#1
Brighter nights and
Red Light District
Satisfied my
Self infringements

Seven days of
Lonely Kisses
Terrified by
My Commitments

Shaker, Shaker any takers?
Just in time to see the fakers
All along I never wake her
Shaker, Shaker I'm a hater

Instinct tells me
No auditions
For seven days
I'm on a mission

The fractured page
My intuition
The letters won't
Make sense for livin

Shaker, Shaker who's your maker
I don't believe, in preservation
All along we knew the waiter
Was slipping pills into the cater

Brighter nights and
Late night secrets
I keep them all
On Red Light District


c4c hope you guys like it. Something I haven't really done before so yeah.


Quote by Våd Hamster
Find a dice and assign a number to each girl. Throw the dice.


The number you hope for at the moment you throw the dice, is the one you'll want to keep.
#2
I liked it very much. The beginning had a nice punch to it that I at least could relate to very well (even though I'm not one of those guys worried about commitment, it's just the second stanza seemed to portray what I know about it well.) I can't really think of anything to say against this work, it sounded great in all acounts Keep on Writing
Comments or Suggestions
Omit or Change
Suggested Changes


I am the 24 Wild Rovers
If You Wish to Give C4C Click on the Smlileys
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#3
Thanks heaps man

Anything you want me to crit of yours?


EDIT:

Also with the last verse, I don't like the fact that it has the word "night" in both the first two lines.

Any help there?

I'm thinking of changing the first line, but what to?


Quote by Våd Hamster
Find a dice and assign a number to each girl. Throw the dice.


The number you hope for at the moment you throw the dice, is the one you'll want to keep.
Last edited by thanksgiving at Sep 20, 2010,
#5
I like it a lot! The second stanza jumps out the most to me.

And I like BloodCold's idea of changing "Late night secrets" to "Late hour secrets," that way you don't have to worry about swapping out the first line for anything anyway.
I have no gear worth mentioning


And my skills match my gear's worth


man....
#6
I don't like how it has 5 syllables then though.

Does it still flow?


Quote by Våd Hamster
Find a dice and assign a number to each girl. Throw the dice.


The number you hope for at the moment you throw the dice, is the one you'll want to keep.
#7
what does 'cater' mean when it's referring to a person?
i like it otherwise
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#8
Didn't think of that.
It's choppy, but if you kind of rush the vowels in the pronunciation it does work.
I have no gear worth mentioning


And my skills match my gear's worth


man....
#9
Quote by DigUpHerBones
what does 'cater' mean when it's referring to a person?
i like it otherwise

Catering means supplying food.

So the cater is the food. That make sense?

EDIT: Or maybe drink in this sense.


Quote by Våd Hamster
Find a dice and assign a number to each girl. Throw the dice.


The number you hope for at the moment you throw the dice, is the one you'll want to keep.
Last edited by thanksgiving at Sep 20, 2010,
#10
Brighter nights and
Late night secrets
I keep them all
On Red Light District

You could change the first line's "night" to evening. It still flow from my perspective.

This piece is really interesting. The "Shaker, shaker" parts are definitely the hooks of the poem. Good work!

-Alex
ok, yeah. my name is silly because I signed up when I was 13.

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