#1
rue margaret.
steam vents blowing
off the corners
of mid-july,
drunk and wearing thin,
sweating and shirtless;
thing about the city at night
it's hot as damnation is on my heels.

i take
her to the door,
my hand off her thigh.
kiss on the cheek.
kiss on the cheek.
good-bye and good-night.

at the sink i
wash my face and
my chest and
her name and
her number from my palm.

don't rue margaret.
that's the thing
about the hot days,
you know.
they come and
they go.
#2
i didn't like the line breaks in the last stanza. i'm not sure the two middle stanzas were strong enough. i don't know, i'm not really feeling it like i do with a lot of your stuff.
#3
i like the wordplay but it doesn't flow to make the wordplay elegant and i think the wordplay should be elegant. i agree with michal about some of the line breaks. i really like the first stanza. maybe put the middle two stanzas together and work them into something that's a bit more together. sorry if that's ununderstandable, i'm very tired.

i have a new thing posted if you want to say some words, i'd appreciate it.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#4
i didn't like some of the line breaks either, not just in the last stanza. i liked some of what was going on here like the washing face and number thing, that was clever. i don't think this is very consistent with the tone though, ex: the first stanza descriptions sort of contrast with the plain bukowski-esque tone of the third stanza. idk.
#6
I agree somewhat with the flow problems, but I think the last stanza you got perfect.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#7
they come and they go, indeed. we're kind of in similar places, i think.
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




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minterman22
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