#1
I suppose that to understand this piece I should inform all of you that I worked as a Medic in a Baghdad ER for a year. Even though I was never shot at, these are words about surviving.


"I stopped believing in elephants a long time ago..."
You learn to stop believing in it,
how heavy it is, the elephant on your chest.
Short of the breathe, the pressure...
...at least it was that way the first time.

I was so convinced it I let it get the best of me,
It pushed harder, I lost track of what was going on,
Next thing you know this large trunk handed me a toe-tag.

Of the term Peaceful Giants, only
the second adjective resonates true.
More precisely the first one I have in mind can be found
in the thesaurus next to the words:
Forboding...
Unforgiving...
Haunting...
Fault...
Blame...
Guilt...
Self-Harm...

And so you learn to stop believing in them.
The elephants, that is.
You disassociate their existance with yours,
their gravity is not the same, then,
their weight does not affect you,then,
you feel not the stampede.

Flying mammals were all that consumed my thoughts,
If only Disney could copyright a dream they'd have made
a fortune and a half off my REM activity.

Now I realize these things just happen, these herbivores.
They'll bear their weight if you let them.
You can't make pretend they don't share your existance,
but you don't have to believe they force it down on you.

And so I looked up the word lift in my thesaurus.
I found:
Up...
Rise...
Hope...
Forgiveness...

I wish to express my sorrow for all the levitating pachyderms
for which I was unable to help. There's an elephant graveyard somewhere,
I'm sure, and my bones will find yours there.
OBEY THE MIGHTY SHITKICKER
Last edited by rooster456 at Sep 21, 2010,
#2
"I stopped believing in elephants a long time ago..."
You learn to stop believing in it, them, It just grammatically sounds better
how heavy it is, the elephant on your chest.
Short of the breathe, the pressure...
...at least it was that way the first time.

I was so convinced it, I let it get the best of me,
It pushed harder, I lost track of what was going on,
Next thing you know this large trunk handed me a toe-tag.

Of the term Peaceful Giants, only
the second adjective resonates true.
More precisely the first one I have in mind can be found
in the thesaurus next to the words:
Forboding...
Unforgiving...
Self-Harm...
Haunting...
Fault...
Blame...
Guilt...
Self-Harm...
It looks better to have it a shape-decsending pattern

And so you learn to stop believing in them.
The elephants, that is.
You disassociate their existance with yours,
their gravity is not the same, then,
their weight does not affect you,then,
you feel not the stampede. I think that this sound grammatically wrong and could just be re-written You don't feel the stampede. But the way you have written could have musical meaning so if that's the case I would keep it

Flying mammals were all that consumed my thoughts,
If only Disney could copyright a dream they'd have made
a fortune and a half off my REM activity.

I know how important this is to the whole feel (I've been around a few dying people myself,) but it just doesn't seem to fit. Or maybe you could work on re-writting. Take out Disney, when you're dying, Disney is the last thing you think of. They actually feel a terrorfying feeling when they notice they are dreaming with wake eye and they know they're goin to die

Now I realize these things just happen, these herbivores.
They'll bear their weight if you let them.
You can't make pretend they don't share your existance,
but you don't have to believe they force it down on you.

And so I looked up the word lift in my thesaurus.
I found:
Up...
Rise...
Hope...
Forgiveness...
I like how you started with a depressing decsension and ended with a progressive acsension.

Like I said, I've been around my fair share of dead and dying. This very well portrays what I've heard as well. And I like how it's from the perspective of someone who sounds like they pulled through or at least felt good about it when they finally died Keep on Writing
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I am the 24 Wild Rovers
If You Wish to Give C4C Click on the Smlileys
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Last edited by 24WildRovers at Sep 21, 2010,
#3
Many thanks! This is a rough draft, so revisions are very welcome.
OBEY THE MIGHTY SHITKICKER
#4
I've absolutely loved your last couple pieces. This is incredible.

One question, in the third line, do you mean 'breath' instead of 'breathe'? That would make more sense, I think.
kill all humans
#5

hope to read more from you.
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