#1
Found this is my notebook, and would like some opinions on it. Thx C4C
Your taillights
Are muddled in my tear filled eyes
And the street lights
Never had such a lonesome hue

I sit on this rocky ledge
Waiting for the sun to break this endless night
And wake me
from this dream that won't seem to end

I sit and watch as the world goes by
Leaving me behind
And i wonder why you left me to die
As the world flies by

I drove on
Till the break of dawn to our favorite hideout
I stared on
As the memories came flooding back

I hoped that
I'd find my way back to those days
But instead
I found a place to leave the hurt behind

I head home
Leaving the memory of you there
Driving faster
Making sure it doesn't catch me again

...but it always seems to catch me in the end

I sit and watch as the world goes by
Leaving me behind
And I wonder why won't leave me to die (alone)
As the world spins by

Can't decide if i need another verse or not.
MIM Tele
Fender Blues Jr NOS
Schecter Omen 6
Squier Strat
Greg Bennett Acoustic
other crap...
If seeing is believing...

...Then believe that we have lost our eyes!!
#2
Quote by Clutch32192
Found this is my notebook, and would like some opinions on it. Thx C4C
Your taillights
Are muddled in my tear filled eyes
And the street lights
Never had such a lonesome hue
^^Great begining

I sit on this rocky ledge
Waiting for the sun to break this endless night
And wake me
from this dream that won't seem to end
^^Re word it (cliche)

I sit and watch as the world goes by
Leaving me behind
And i wonder why you left me to die
As the world flies by
^^you used 'world' two times here (i dont like that) and in both lines you're talking 'bout leaving so it's repetative pls change this chorus

I drove on
Till the break of dawn to our favorite hideout
I stared on
As the memories came flooding back
^^I like this

I hoped that
I'd find my way back to those days
But instead
I found a place to leave the hurt behind

I head home
Leaving the memory of you there
Driving faster
Making sure it doesn't catch me again
^^I like this too
...but it always seems to catch me in the end
^^lovely

I sit and watch as the world goes by
Leaving me behind
And I wonder why won't leave me to die (alone)
As the world spins by

Can't decide if i need another verse or not.

You dont really need to write another verse if this is just about what just what you're feeling but if you want you can write what actually happened b/w you and her

Overall this is good you just need to express yourself better and be less cliche...
Also from some lines here i get the feeling that you can do much better than this
Keep writing!

C4C?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1363218
Last edited by BloodCold at Sep 21, 2010,
#3
Quote by BloodCold
You dont really need to write another verse if this is just about what just what you're feeling but if you want you can write what actually happened b/w you and her

Overall this is good you just need to express yourself better and be less cliche...
Also from some lines here i get the feeling that you can do much better than this
Keep writing!

C4C?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1363218

thx. I don't particularly like the chorus "...watch the world fly by.." that much myself, I just haven't found a replacement yet. I have been revising it some, since I wrote this back when I sucked at lyrics (though i still do haha). I will post the revisions once i finish them.

I was thinking about adding a verse about the whole depression stage, but I think it might complicate the song some. I like to keep a song about usually one aspect of something such as this is just about the "initial getting away part of breakup" and I have another song "Dreamless night" about "her always being in your head/depression..."

sure ill crit yours
MIM Tele
Fender Blues Jr NOS
Schecter Omen 6
Squier Strat
Greg Bennett Acoustic
other crap...
If seeing is believing...

...Then believe that we have lost our eyes!!
#5
Quote by Onlyinpinkerton
I kind of feel like you ripped off "The World has Turned and Left me Here" a little bit.

huh, i never heard of that, but I just read the lyrics to it, and the choruses are quite similar. Well I plan on changing the chorus so Weezer shouldn't have to sue me
MIM Tele
Fender Blues Jr NOS
Schecter Omen 6
Squier Strat
Greg Bennett Acoustic
other crap...
If seeing is believing...

...Then believe that we have lost our eyes!!