#1
This is an acoustic song sung by our girl singer. C4C ^^

When I look into the mirror
I see your face
haunted by lies of yesterday

Past all these years
was it so bad
to make you crumble away in the wind

All I want
is to hold you close
and wipe away all of your tears
destroy all of your fears

When I look into the mirror
I see the scars
that yesterday has etched in our skin

Back this time
I see the hope
that we once held within our hands

The person that I
used to be
the scars slowly fade away

Now that I am
washed of this guilt
I can be free once again
Be free once again
#2
When I look into the mirror
I see your face
haunted by lies of yesterday Masked in the Lies of Yesterday. Just sounds a lot better. When writting, try to use as many metaphors as possible

Past all these years
was it so bad
to make you crumble away in the wind

Now this is so bad, but I don't know whether to tell you to omit or to re-write. But just for an "off-the-top-of-my-head" idea, lets try...
I now know how bad it is
To pull you through Hell
All of these years


All I want
is to hold you close
and wipe away all of your tears
destroy all of your fears
These last two lines don't really sound all that great to me. It sounds like it's either you chorus or your bridge, and those two stanzas are suppose to be your best. And I don't feel that here

When I look into the mirror
I see the scars
that yesterday has etched in our skin
Now this last line sounds good. Try more like this one

Back this time
I see the hope
that we once held within our hands

I don't care for this at all. And it contradicts the stanza third preceding this one. I say just omit

The person that I
used to be
the scars slowly fade away
This last line sounds forced when reading. I would recommend a re-write

Now that I am
washed of this guilt
I can be free once again
Be free once again
Musically you might need to repeat, but lyrically it doesn't help it at all.

Overall this sounds like some sentamental coutry girl. Which completely fits the genre, its just that I am not a fan of the oblivious destruction of the idea of the country life Keep on Writing
Comments or Suggestions
Omit or Change
Suggested Changes


I am the 24 Wild Rovers
If You Wish to Give C4C Click on the Smlileys
:
#3
Quote by 24WildRovers
When I look into the mirror
I see your face
haunted by lies of yesterday Masked in the Lies of Yesterday. Just sounds a lot better. When writting, try to use as many metaphors as possible



Masked in the lies of yesterday?

Are you being serious? What an AWEFUL cliche.
#5
Here is what I felt about this...
Quote by blubolt09
This is an acoustic song sung by our girl singer. C4C ^^

When I look into the mirror
I see your face
haunted by lies of yesterday
^^Both haunted/masked are cliche try "disquieted"

Past all these years
was it so bad
to make you crumble away in the wind
^^I like this line but "bad" is not a strong enough word, "cruel"?

All I want
is to hold you close
and wipe away all of your tears
destroy all of your fears
^^Now this is really cliche especially the last 2lines

When I look into the mirror
I see the scars
that yesterday has etched in our skin
^^Really like this but "dwell" might be a better word than "look"?

Back to this time
I see the hope
that we once held within our hands
^^Good but "treasured" might be a stronger word?

The person that I
used to be
the scars slowly fade away

Now that I am
washed of this guilt
I can be free once again
Be free once again
^^I dont like this repetition from either lyrical or singing point of view
"Be free of the hovering/manifested yesterday"? for last line...

Overall i think its pretty goodKeep writing!

C4C?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1363218
Last edited by BloodCold at Sep 22, 2010,
#6
Quote by Onlyinpinkerton
Masked in the lies of yesterday?

Are you being serious? What an AWEFUL cliche.

I'm sorry, but I don't even try to make any good lines when critiquing, I make them just bad enough so that the original writer can think of some ideas himself.
Comments or Suggestions
Omit or Change
Suggested Changes


I am the 24 Wild Rovers
If You Wish to Give C4C Click on the Smlileys
: