#1
If I could just remember what happened in that year of my life,
I don't think I would. And that's what scares me.

I could check my journals, I could ask around.
But do I really want to know?

After everything finished, I stopped.
I stopped listening to the music we liked.
I stopped watching shows we used to watch.
I stopped acting the way you made me act.
I found myself, by myself, the way I should have been.

Repressed memories are making their return.
And I'm not sure I want to know.

I smelt you at a show a few months back.
But in the end, it turned out to be another girl
That wore the same perfume you wore.
Who fucking knew?

I can't remember who I was.
But if I see pictures, I'm embarrassed.
The clothes in my closet are the only physical remnants
Of how badly you owned me.

And when I think of us, all I see are broken up images, blurry details.
It's a slide-show of a roller coaster ride,
It starts with a giant uphill, and then a crushing, hair-raising drop.
And it ends underground.
ok, yeah. my name is silly because I signed up when I was 13.

BEDBUGS
#2
If I could just remember what happened in that year of my life,
I don't think I would could. And that's what scares me. I just don't think "would" is the right word for this

I could check my journals, I could ask around.
But do I really want to know?

After everything finished, I stopped.
I stopped listening to the music we liked.
I stopped watching shows we used to watch.
I stopped acting the way you made me act.
I found myself, by myself, the way I should have been.
Melancholly is something I think every guy/(maybe girls too, I'm not sure) feels sometime in thier life. Now trying to write it in poetry takes a someone who truely feels it. To make it into a poem everyone can relate to but still feel dissonance takes a true poet that truely know what the feeling truely is. Now I'm not saying that your work is bad at all, I've only read a couple stanzas to this point, it's just that everyone else out there knows and has probably written about this same subject, like the subject of love. And so you have to take another step to uniqueness to make this really stand out from everyone else.

Repressed memories are making their return.
And I'm not sure I want to know.

I smelt you at a show a few months back.
But in the end, it turned out to be another girl
That wore the same perfume you wore.
Who ****ing knew?

I don't feel that this needs to be said. Just because you are talking about missing a girl, now your "smelting a girl?" Really I think you ment smelled because smell doesn't conjunct that way, don't ask me why it just doesn't. And really you need a memory that has something a little more sexual. I am sorry to admit, but guys truelly remember sexual things more than most, and I can scientifically tell you why but that's another disscusion; now smelling her might have broght back other memories, and it's those memories we need, not the smelling.

I can't remember who I was.
But if I see pictures, I'md be embarrassed.
The clothes in my closet are the only physical remnants See, now here is a perfect place to really enhance something to make this poem a little more something. Guys don't care about clothing, their just clothes. You need something that has something more. I know I'm probably not making sense, but just try to make more feeling into your work. You sound like you're almost trying to feel lost
Of how badly you owned me.

And when I think of us, all I see are broken up images, blurry details.
It's a slide-show of a roller coaster ride,
It starts with a giant uphill, and then a crushing, hair-raising drop.
And it ends underground.


I'm sorry, but I didn't feel what I needed to here. There needs to be somthing that makes even guys cry in the feeling factor and yet something that turns our heads in originality. Continue writing your feelings, just think a little about what it is exactly that you're feeling. And think of a new way of saying that. In fact, the left part of your body is in charge of your right, creative side of the brain. So what I sometimes do is write some things with the left hand and that should invigurate your right brain a little Keep on Writing
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#3
P.S. Just as a nonimportant side-not. Notice how **** is edited out of my reply but you still have ****ing in the last line of the third stanza from the bottom. Just a little something :p
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#4
Thanks for the crit, I'll definitely take it into account. Although... I'm naturally left handed already.

This song is actually about the fact that I have repressed memories of a relationship I had a year or two back, and how I'm trying to remember but can only remember bits and pieces. Pretty deep.

Thanks again though!

-Alex
ok, yeah. my name is silly because I signed up when I was 13.

BEDBUGS
#5
@24WildRovers Hey now girls also have human emotions!
In b/w your crit had me laughing half the time

Quote by ratmblink123
If I could just remember what happened in that year of my life,
I don't think I ever would. And that's what scares me.
^^"scares" is not a strong enough word try "terrorizes" no thats actually stupid i'm sure you can come up with something on your own

I could check my journals, I could ask around.
But do I really want to know,to relive?

After everything finished, I stopped.
I stopped listening to the music we liked.
I stopped watching shows we used to watch.
I stopped acting the way you made me act.
I found myself, by myself, the way I should have been.
^^You expressed yourself well but yeah this is really cliche i would suggest changing everything except the first and last line

Repressed memories are making their return.
And I'm not sure if I want to know.

I smelt you at a show a few months back.
But in the end, it turned out to be another girl
That wore the same perfume you wore.
Who fucking knew?
^^Lolol excuse me for laughing but that made me imagine a werewolf comic style Now your feelings are your feelings so you can keep it if you want but i would suggest changing the whole thing while keeping the perfume theory

I can't remember that time, who I was.
But if I see the pictures, I get embarrassed.
The clothes in my closet are the only physical remnants
Of how badly you owned me.
^^You're saying those clothes were bought by her for you no?I like this

And when I think of us, all I see are broken up images, blurry details.
It's a slide-show of a roller coaster ride,
It starts with a giant uphill, and then a crushing, hair-raising drop.
And it ends underground.
^^I really like this stanza,nice ending

Thats my thoughts on this,I dont know what boys think in such situations so feel free to ignore every bit of my crit:p
But I would say you need to express yourself better...
#6
Quote by BloodCold
@24WildRovers Hey now girls also have human emotions!
In b/w your crit had me laughing half the time


Thats my thoughts on this,I dont know what boys think in such situations so feel free to ignore every bit of my crit:p
But I would say you need to express yourself better...

I'm sorry, girls do have emotions, sometimes even more so than guys. It's just I'm a guy and I know how guys think so I use guys whenever I can and try to avoid using girls because I'm not a girl and have no idea what they think. So don't take it personally :p

But I do agree with her that you do need more expression in your emotions PEACE
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