#1
Kind of a follow on from my Red Light District

Enjoy.


Pseudo lust and lame foundations
Greater cuts and accusations
Tell the priest I'm not behaving
What could have been is overrated

I hear the rain fall on my friends
You'll never hear me sing again
For seven days I've slept at home
For seven days I've slept alone

Scratchpad wrists and
Second Guesses
Pulling down all
My Defenses

My LateNightSecrets left me here
And with the rain I disappear
I've cut the costs and pay the price
Forever more I'm never right.

C4C


Quote by Våd Hamster
Find a dice and assign a number to each girl. Throw the dice.


The number you hope for at the moment you throw the dice, is the one you'll want to keep.
#2
This is a strong piece. The third stanza is definitely my favorite, but the 4th one is a close runner-up. It's a great closing line. You should continue the string from this to another, this subject seems to flow out well for you.

-Alex

PS: You can crit my piece if you want. I have two up as of now: Vessels, and You Always Wore Too Much Perfume. Thanks!
ok, yeah. my name is silly because I signed up when I was 13.

BEDBUGS
#3
Here is my crit...

I love everything here!Except you repeated "rain" which might have been intentional but if it was not try showers/drops etc and maybe in the second last line you meant to say "paid"?

The end
#4
Quote by BloodCold
Here is my crit...

I love everything here!Except you repeated "rain" which might have been intentional but if it was not try showers/drops etc and maybe in the second last line you meant to say "paid"?

The end

Yeah it was intentional but I still don't like it.

And I meant "Pay" because it's not like it's over. I'm still paying the price. (all hypothetical of course )

EDIT:

Like, "I cut the costs" so now I have to "pay the price" lol


Quote by Våd Hamster
Find a dice and assign a number to each girl. Throw the dice.


The number you hope for at the moment you throw the dice, is the one you'll want to keep.
Last edited by thanksgiving at Sep 23, 2010,
#6
Doesn't flow right


Quote by Våd Hamster
Find a dice and assign a number to each girl. Throw the dice.


The number you hope for at the moment you throw the dice, is the one you'll want to keep.