#1
it's called ffff

The battle is fought firstly
and mostly without point
In our hearts
in our minds
and in his belly
guts rest and wait
fostering the arrogant pride
of a worthless child
who would see himself
sit next to God
and mock him for being
so much less than he is
his eyes burst open
exposed to dim light
he is born into a world
of hurricanes
and saturday night movies
in the living room
it can barely contain
the disease in his veins
the laughing madness that creeps
up and out of his mouth
like falling vomit from the lips
of a pale and dying prophet
or a fly preparing to eat
it's last meal
on his shoulder
it's enough to catch attention
eyes draw wide and doubtful
enough to rattle the chains
that wrap around the cage
that wraps itself around his brain
he glimpses truth
and his eyes rise and die
in ecstasy for half a second
as he falls back into his chair
hands rush through his hair
words split between blood
coat his face and lungs
there is nothing left
Last edited by SunsetAlphabet at Sep 24, 2010,
#2
the pace of this is so thrilling. it spills off like a torrent of vitriol

I dont like 'firstly' in the first line, that's pretty awkward. very nice work on everything else, great imagery. pleasure to read.
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#3
I don't like it either. I was kind of having a bit of trouble finding something to replace it with, honestly. Any help?
#4
'first and most' maybe
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja