#1
C4C??

I've read the forums here for awhile, but I just recently made an account. Been writing for awhile, and want some unbiased feeback. You folks don't know me or any of my background, you wouldn't know how these lyrics apply to my life. So I my intent is to see if my intended message is conveyed(the lyrics are a bit straight forward though)

Be honest, if you think it sucks, say so. I'm after honest opinions, interpretations, and feedback. You may want a dictionary. Anyway, here it is. thanks!


Verse 1
Pandimonium Like a brewing storm.
Dark, cold nights are Becoming the norm.
A Deficiency of all that is good.
No one understands. no one really would.

Verse 2
Ostentatious life Well that's my new role.
and false emotions are my heart's new goal.
A predujice road I'll travel for now.
My deck has been stacked. I'll just play it out.


Verse 3
I Fought the odds for all or emptiness.
I went in alone and came out with less.
The unwelcomed change. Nightmares come alive.
agonizing truth has opened my eyes.

Chorus
Misconceptions, empty promises.
failed compromise, Your foul intentions.
Left blinded by, an imposter love.
and your lies, that I failed to mention.
No more pretending. It's time for intervention


Changed the chorus. I'm still not crazy about it, but it sucks less.
Last edited by anowilisgvyona at Dec 28, 2010,
#2
Quote by anowilisgvyona
The unwelcomed change. Nightmares come alive.
agonizing truth has opened my eyes.

There was alot of good imagery here, but this part stood out the most to me. As for what the message is, I'm not the best at analyzing poems, but I'm guessing its that either a relationship went bad that left you pretty tore up or a loved one died, and now you feel like nobody understands what youre going through and this is just how its meant to be. Thats probably way off... But atleast I tried...
What's the point of living if you're not living a dream?
#3
'Preciate the words, Jazar. Your intepretation was not too far off actually, not spot on though. It's not something I've actually been through, but it was something I foresaw coming at the time(the relationship gone wrong). Anyway, i'm glad my message isn't too buried within the lyrics.

Willing to C4C if anyone else will drop a line.
#4
Quote by anowilisgvyona
C4C??

I've read the forums here for awhile, but I just recently made an account. Been writing for awhile, and want some unbiased feeback. You folks don't know me or any of my background, you wouldn't know how these lyrics apply to my life. So I my intent is to see if my intended message is conveyed(the lyrics are a bit straight forward though)

Be honest, if you think it sucks, say so. I'm after honest opinions, interpretations, and feedback. You may want a dictionary. Anyway, here it is. thanks!


Verse 1Absolutely LOVE this first verse wouldn't change a thing!
Pandimonium Like a brewing storm.
Dark, cold nights are Becoming the norm.
A Deficiency of all that is good.
No one understands. no one really would.

Verse 2
Ostentatious life Well that's my new role.
and false emotions are my heart's new goal.
A predujice road I'll travel for now.
My deck has been stacked. I'll just play it out.
The last two lines really stick out to me here, I don't know if you meant to do this, making them not rhyme and deviating from the rhyme scheme. But it definitely draws my attention.

Verse 3Again, really like this verse
I Fought the odds for all or emptiness.
I went in alone and came out with less.
The unwelcomed change. Nightmares come alive.
agonizing truth has opened my eyes.

ChorusLike the chorus too, draws everything up very nicely.
Take A look inside
you can't see from the outside.
See the tears are falling? Hear the voices calling?
They're screaming for you.
Now I'm sinking farther and I'm crashing harder.
But what I can I do?
It Was love a year ago,
Now this is how heartbreak goes.

No bridge for it yet. Not sure I want to write a bridge for this. Not even sure this is worth spending anymore time on.



Really liked it man, thanks for the reply on my piece too. Shoot me a message when ever you post a new piece I'd love to read it.
#5
Quote by scguitarking927
A predujice road I'll travel for now.
My deck has been stacked. I'll just play it out.
The last two lines really stick out to me here, I don't know if you meant to do this, making them not rhyme and deviating from the rhyme scheme. But it definitely draws my attention.

Really liked it man, thanks for the reply on my piece too. Shoot me a message when ever you post a new piece I'd love to read it.


Yeah, they aren't a complete rhyme, but the vowel sounds rhyme (now; out. say them aloud and you can hear what I mean)......and that produced enough rhyme to satisfy my taste. Anywho, that was my thinking there.

Thanks for the comment! I'll try to remember to message you.
Last edited by anowilisgvyona at Sep 28, 2010,
#6
I don't particularly like the chorus. It seems like the song could be about something else, then you just throw in the chorus and make it about "heartbreak" for no reason. That's my opinion, anyway. The first verse is particularly strong. The second one's pretty good too, other than the line "A predujice road I'll travel for now." That's kind of weak to me. The third verse is pretty powerful too. I like the imagery in the verses, but again the chorus doesn't fit. It seems like the overall tone of the verses is very dark, and the chorus is just boring, emotional bs that doesn't need to be in the song. Not that writing about emotions is bad, but it is if you don't do it well. You kind of have to be less straightforward with it. Leave more to the imagination. The verses are left open to interpretation, whereas the chorus is unimaginative. If the chorus was something better, this would be an excellent piece.


Crit mine if you have time, please.
That Cheap Fucking Smile Carries You To Bed

Those Lips Are Social Suicide But I Just Wanna See You Dead.
#7
Hi.

Since you took the time to critique mine, I shall return the favour.

My initial thought, before I even got to the lyrics was that you distanced yourself from me by explaining what you wanted to find out from posting the lyrics, which is fine, but I found your suggestion that the reader might need a dictionary a little patronising. I doubt that was your intention though, so I won't hold it against you. ;-)


Pandimonium Like a brewing storm.
Dark, cold nights are Becoming the norm.
A Deficiency of all that is good.
No one understands. no one really would.


I love the imagery you've conjured up with the first two lines. However, the third seems to be across between a hackneyed juxtapose and just poor English. The final line seems a little self-pitying - which is fine if that's what you're going for, but used all too often, in my opinion. Keep hold of your excellent use of imagery though!

Ostentatious life Well that's my new role.
and false emotions are my heart's new goal.
A predujice road I'll travel for now.
My deck has been stacked. I'll just play it out.


This verse is almost flawless, as far as I'm concerned. I love the imagery you continued to apply which flows well from the first verse, and I think you've made excellent use of vocabulary and metaphor. Though perhaps you could've used a dictionary for prejudice. ;-)

I Fought the odds for all or emptiness.
I went in alone and came out with less.
The unwelcomed change. Nightmares come alive.
agonizing truth has opened my eyes.


This verse doesn't really engage me, but I can't work out why. I love the first two lines, so I figure that it's the last two I'm not so keen on, but I really can't put my finger on why. I think perhaps it's over-ambiguous, but maybe I'm off the mark there. You could try rewriting the last two lines and seeing if you come up with something you prefer...?

Take A look inside
you can't see from the outside.
See the tears are falling? Hear the voices calling?
They're screaming for you.
Now I'm sinking farther and I'm crashing harder.
But what I can I do?
It Was love a year ago,
Now this is how heartbreak goes.


The chorus is, for me, the weakest part of the song. I think the piece would be so much better without it, and depending on how you intend to record this song, maybe you could ask yourself if you actually need a chorus at all. I really can't say anything I like about the chorus. It comes out of nowhere and means very little to me. I'd lose it altogether, and keep the verses (with a few amendments).

I hope I've made a little sense at least, and obviously don't just listen to me. You've got alot of good advice above too. You seem to have a great grasp on imagery, so please don't lose that, but don't overdo it either. I really enjoyed reading your lyrics and I think you've got brilliant potential within these lines. Just keep going! :-)
#8
Quote by Mister Holloway
Hi.

Since you took the time to critique mine, I shall return the favour.

My initial thought, before I even got to the lyrics was that you distanced yourself from me by explaining what you wanted to find out from posting the lyrics, which is fine, but I found your suggestion that the reader might need a dictionary a little patronising. I doubt that was your intention though, so I won't hold it against you. ;-)


I appreciate you brushing off that first impression. You're correct, was wasn't my intention. My apologies.

Quote by Mister Holloway

Ostentatious life Well that's my new role.
and false emotions are my heart's new goal.
A predujice road I'll travel for now.
My deck has been stacked. I'll just play it out.


This verse is almost flawless, as far as I'm concerned. I love the imagery you continued to apply which flows well from the first verse, and I think you've made excellent use of vocabulary and metaphor. Though perhaps you could've used a dictionary for prejudice. ;-)


Funny you say that! I did actually use a dictionary for "prejudice". Several dictionaries in fact. I noticed that the definitions listed didn't match the message I was conveying.....However I believe/hope that my readers will arrive at my intended thought noneoftheless.

Quote by Mister Holloway

I Fought the odds for all or emptiness.
I went in alone and came out with less.
The unwelcomed change. Nightmares come alive.
agonizing truth has opened my eyes.


This verse doesn't really engage me, but I can't work out why. I love the first two lines, so I figure that it's the last two I'm not so keen on, but I really can't put my finger on why. I think perhaps it's over-ambiguous, but maybe I'm off the mark there. You could try rewriting the last two lines and seeing if you come up with something you prefer...?


The last two verse are actually my favorite in the piece. For that reason, I'll let them be.

Quote by Mister Holloway

The chorus is, for me, the weakest part of the song. I think the piece would be so much better without it, and depending on how you intend to record this song, maybe you could ask yourself if you actually need a chorus at all. I really can't say anything I like about the chorus. It comes out of nowhere and means very little to me. I'd lose it altogether, and keep the verses (with a few amendments).


Quite frankly, the chorus sucks. I spent maybe 3 minutes writing this chorus, I put little thought in it, it's very self pitying. I'm not sure why I was content with it at the time. I will definitely re-write this part of the piece, and will share the updated content with you gentlemen.


Quote by Mister Holloway

I hope I've made a little sense at least, and obviously don't just listen to me. You've got alot of good advice above too. You seem to have a great grasp on imagery, so please don't lose that, but don't overdo it either. I really enjoyed reading your lyrics and I think you've got brilliant potential within these lines. Just keep going! :-)


All of your thoughts were very clear, made perfect sense, and I really do appreciate your post. I will consider them all; as they are all valid points. Thank you!
#10
There was a lot of great imagery in this piece and an excellent use of vocabulary as well. The last line in the first stanza sticks out to me as the only poor one in the piece but only because it's a cliche phrase that tends to be overused. Otherwise great job!