#1
Warm encounters burn into idealistic concepts of design
Designs for a flawless landscape
With perfect sunsets and other romantic shit
Interuptions as real as skeptic beliefs
And phrases soft enough to be spread across the dirt
I can almost feel the grass tickle our feet
As we dance in the shadows of the trees
An unbottoned cardigan and bodies carressed by sightlines
Causes the fantasies to take their place
When an awakening blow hits me in the stomach
And I realize that a dream is but a wish

And I wish for more dreams
Last edited by oliver_nelson at Sep 26, 2010,
#2
That was pretty good, but I have one suggestion. Take out the part where it says "other romantic shit", or even just replace shit with something notions.. I wouldnt say anything about it because I cuss alot, but it doesnt fit in with the rest of the song
Well, I think I'll go turn myself off an' go on down
All the way down...
Really ain't no use in me hanging around
You know what I'm trying to say
Music, sweet music
I wish I could caress, and-a kiss
Manic Depression is a fustrating mess
#3
If theres one thing I would like to say about this peice of work, is that you were consistent throughout it. Consistent in flow, syllables, and story progression. Other than "other romantic shit" not fitting in with this peice at all (as was already noted above), the story itself was nice, your word choice appeared well placed and thought out, and I really really liked the ending, it was a great play on words and sent out the peice in a conclusive manner.

Overall, a job well done! Keep it up!

If you get a moment, I'd really appreciate a c4c. links in the sig. Thanks!
Too lazy to come up with a clever or relevant sig.
#4
I see what you guys mean when you say that "and other romantic shit" is out of place. i agree with you in that sense, but it gives a feeling to it that i really want. and without that line it feels like its missing something. ill try to keep the idea but change it up a bit. Thanks!
#5
Quote by oliver_nelson
I see what you guys mean when you say that "and other romantic shit" is out of place. i agree with you in that sense, but it gives a feeling to it that i really want. and without that line it feels like its missing something. ill try to keep the idea but change it up a bit. Thanks!


Anytime dude. You were able to take a concept and flesh it out quite well, and if i can help improve that kind of writing, its my pleasure.
Too lazy to come up with a clever or relevant sig.
#6
Lovely except "and other romantic shit" as the people above already pointed out
Last edited by BloodCold at Oct 1, 2010,