#1
This is only wrote a few pieces this being the second I've posted here on UG, so let me know what you think.


Dwell in the impossible
and what you can not see
dream of what is easy
and know it can never be
//////////////////////////////
Find a place to sit down
open your hands and see,
see what you have caught and
drown your thoughts in fantasy
///////////////////////////////////////
Don’t deny yourself desire
and don’t forget to sing.
Simply search for what is missing
and never forget of me
Last edited by scguitarking927 at Sep 28, 2010,
#2
I like it. Flows really well, The message is clear, It's a very nice piece.

The only thing about it, and this is not a problem, the ABCB rhyme pattern is classic and I think overused....but if you like it, then it's great! I just try to steer away from that pattern with most of my stuff.

I dont know if you intend to add to this later on, but I could see each set of those words becoming a verse and perhaps you could write a chorus and maybe a bridge to go with it? Just a thought.

Would you mind reading and commenting on one of mine? I should have 2 on the front page now. =]
#3
Quote by anowilisgvyona
I like it. Flows really well, The message is clear, It's a very nice piece.

The only thing about it, and this is not a problem, the ABCB rhyme pattern is classic and I think overused....but if you like it, then it's great! I just try to steer away from that pattern with most of my stuff.

I dont know if you intend to add to this later on, but I could see each set of those words becoming a verse and perhaps you could write a chorus and maybe a bridge to go with it? Just a thought.

Would you mind reading and commenting on one of mine? I should have 2 on the front page now. =]


Yea I was thinking about the rhyming as I was writing it. I'm not really a big fan on having pieces that rhyme like this myself, but it just kind of flowed that way lol.

A chorus probably won't happen. The way I tend to write my songs is to have a "instrumental" choruses if you will. I don't like lyrical choruses and I know that might sound weird but thats just how I'm trying to write right now. I find the verses to be the most important thing of the piece as it delivers the message and a chorus sums that message up and by not having a chorus it allows for the listener to put more of themselves into it. We'll see how that works out as I start playing for more people though.

And of course, I'll go crit one of yours now

Thanks for the reply.
#4
Quote by scguitarking927

and don’t forget to sing.
Simply search for what is missing
and never forget of me



I like this alot. Only thing that popped my mind about this last one is, i think that "Simply search for what is missing" is kind of obviousish, its not bad, but i think maybe if you said "Simply reach for what is missing" it might bring the message out more clearly.

Overall good piece!
#5
Quote by RodeoBrunslid
I like this alot. Only thing that popped my mind about this last one is, i think that "Simply search for what is missing" is kind of obviousish, its not bad, but i think maybe if you said "Simply reach for what is missing" it might bring the message out more clearly.

Overall good piece!


Yea I was just trying to use some of those poetic devices lol. Thanks for the suggestion I'll play with that line and think it through both ways.

glad ya'll like it though, rather encouraging!