#1
In May, my best friend since childhood committed suicide. I've missed her since, quite a lot actually.
We were really close. And the line in the 4th stanza may not make sense to you, but her name was Skye, and my name is Skyler.
Thoughts and suggestions would be appreciated.

Verse 1/ Intro
it's empty and cold
without you here
i gaze at the hole in my heart
and feel, the tears

Verse 2
empty days that are full of nothing
bring back the memories, of the past
i hope the memories'll last

Chorus
you left me so empty
and incomplete
i feel the hole in my heart
breaking away
you left me so empty
and incomplete
i feel the tears on my face
streaming away

Verse 3
your gone like the wind
but your still reminiscent
in my name

Verse 4
pictures of you, are all I have,
i miss the days we had together
i miss, your laugh

Chorus
you left me so empty
and incomplete
i feel the hole in my heart
breaking away
you left me so empty
and incomplete
i feel the tears on my face
streaming away

Bridge
it just so happens to be,
we were just the same,
now your set free
and I shoulder the blame

Chorus
you left me so empty
and incomplete
i feel the hole in my heart
breaking away
you left me so empty
and incomplete
i feel the tears on my face
streaming away
Quote by DonGlover

You look like a young Eugene Levy, but with a moustache.

Quote by slapsymcdougal
Quote by Dreadnought
Kicking a man when he's down, I'm proud of you

When they're down is the safest time.

Soundcloud
Sharks Stanley Cup 15-16
Sharks Stanley Cup 16-17,,,,?
Last edited by skylerjames13 at Sep 28, 2010,
#2
I think this is very personal, and thats good. But for just that reason is kind of hard to give it a thorough crit, because i can't really get a grasp of what is going on.

I do like some of the imagery, the bridge was very good. I just thought the bridge should be a bit longer.

Overall its very emotional and the feeling of these lyrics are very good. The only thing i can say is that you need to work a bit on getting around saying things just like they are (this is not a rule of thumb, but im a great fan of emotional lyrics that each and every person will grasp in a different way).

Good lyrics, but because of your emotions attached to them, i dont feel like im in a place to give it a crit. Just my two cents.


Good work.
#3
Thank you. I'll try and alter the bridge possibly, see what I can do.

The only thing i can say is that you need to work a bit on getting around saying things just like they are
What do you mean by that? I just don't understand it haha.
Quote by DonGlover

You look like a young Eugene Levy, but with a moustache.

Quote by slapsymcdougal
Quote by Dreadnought
Kicking a man when he's down, I'm proud of you

When they're down is the safest time.

Soundcloud
Sharks Stanley Cup 15-16
Sharks Stanley Cup 16-17,,,,?
#4
I guess what i mean is to not say things straight out, but rather put them in a way that makes people think in other ways as well. like the line

"You left me so empty // and incomplete"

You could use imagery to say just this in a different way. Just personal preference tho.
#5
Quote by RodeoBrunslid
I guess what i mean is to not say things straight out, but rather put them in a way that makes people think in other ways as well. like the line

"You left me so empty // and incomplete"

You could use imagery to say just this in a different way. Just personal preference tho.

Just a suggestion on wat he pointed out, "The emptiness has haunted me" not sure how itll tie in with the rhythm because I havent tried it out... But yah, this is something Im uncomfortable critting on, because Ive never had a close friend commit suicide and I dont know wat its like
What's the point of living if you're not living a dream?
#6
Verse 1/ Intro
it's empty and cold
without you here
i gaze at the hole in my heart
and feel, the tears And filled it with tears
Now just so you know before hand, all my suggestions are off-the-top of my head and are typically very cliche, I just do them so you know how I would approach a certain line.

And as a side-note, I can already see that this is a very emotional piece. And I read your introduction and read how your friend commited suicide, I can't say I had a friend exactly, but I had someone along those lines commit suicide as well; and so I have an idea how hard the feeling is to even comprehend to get rid of or even to write down. And I'll be as gentle as I can when critiquing, and everything I say is my oppinion, you do what you want, this is yours; I'm just here to tell you what I think of it


Verse 2
empty days that are full of nothing
bring back the memories, of the past
i hope the memories'll last
Now this is a strong stanza. Here you can really feel exactly what your feeling, and that is what poetry is for

Chorus
you left me so empty
and incomplete
i feel the hole in my heart
breaking away
you left me so empty
and incomplete
i feel the tears on my face
streaming away

Verse 3
your gone like the wind
but your still reminiscent
in my name
Even without the name explanaition, this is still a very stong stanza.

Verse 4
pictures of you, are all I have,
i miss the days we had together
i miss, your laugh
Now this stanza, I'm really have to say that maybe this could be ommited. Not because it is poorly written or doesn't have any feeling, but it's one of those things that should be hinted at but never said. Of course if you feel like it's important enough you could always keep it


Bridge
it just so happens to be,
we were just the same,
now your set free
and I shoulder the blame
This is another very good stanza.

This was very well written. It gives all the main points of the emotion most people feel when experiencing (and I can say that because I felt most of these things and I had a friend who's friend commited suicide and they had a lot of these feelings as well.) And also remember, a lot of the best poetry are just ventings, rantings and what-not of different people's emotions through the unique writing we call poety; and I think what you have writen here is one of those Keep on Writing
Comments or Suggestions
Omit or Change
Suggested Changes


I am the 24 Wild Rovers
If You Wish to Give C4C Click on the Smlileys
:
#7
Quote by jazar94
Just a suggestion on wat he pointed out, "The emptiness has haunted me" not sure how itll tie in with the rhythm because I havent tried it out... But yah, this is something Im uncomfortable critting on, because Ive never had a close friend commit suicide and I dont know wat its like


Alright, I know what you guy's mean now. I'll try something along the lines of what you suggested.

24WildRovers I like your suggestion better then my lyrics, it flows more smoothly. And thanks for the big crit, means a lot dude. I'll think about the verse that may be omitted. I'll see when the time comes. Thanks dude.
Thanks to everyone who critted.
If anyone would like their post critted, just ask and I shall.
Quote by DonGlover

You look like a young Eugene Levy, but with a moustache.

Quote by slapsymcdougal
Quote by Dreadnought
Kicking a man when he's down, I'm proud of you

When they're down is the safest time.

Soundcloud
Sharks Stanley Cup 15-16
Sharks Stanley Cup 16-17,,,,?
#8
I know how hard it must have been for her to keep away from suicidin and then to finally do it...she must have been really depresed over whatever the cause was

I'm not in a place to suggest anything here,this is based on your true feelings so I think changing nothing would be better it should be just your raw emotions(changing anything might change the meaning even if slightly)

I love this and like verse 3 and 4 the best

For your friend:RIP
#9
Yeah it was hard. But thanks for the comment.
Quote by DonGlover

You look like a young Eugene Levy, but with a moustache.

Quote by slapsymcdougal
Quote by Dreadnought
Kicking a man when he's down, I'm proud of you

When they're down is the safest time.

Soundcloud
Sharks Stanley Cup 15-16
Sharks Stanley Cup 16-17,,,,?