#1
Its not completely finished, i have some pre-choruses to write. But i wanted to put it out there to get some feedback!

Its much appreciated, drop a link to your work, and ill crit it!


When you look into my decaying eyes,you see my soul is breaking down
into the void, filled with lies,i hide within your broken crown

My body is frozen in fear.like a cage of my mind
flashes of my life appear, its broken, unclear


on the verge of death, resistance is futile
in the depths of my own mind, oblivous desire

descending with no purpose
aligned are the stars
ascending the purpose
my message is blank

on the verge of death, resistance is futile
in the depths of my own mind, oblivous desire

i see my horizon
surrounding shadows
embracing the night
the day has vanished
the day has vanished
#4
Quote by RodeoBrunslid
Its not completely finished, i have some pre-choruses to write. But i wanted to put it out there to get some feedback!

Its much appreciated, drop a link to your work, and ill crit it!


When you look into my decaying eyes,you see my soul is breaking down
^^"When I look through my decaying eyes,you see my soul is breaking down" might sound better?
into the void, filled with lies,i hide within your broken crown
^^I dont like the crown reference but that could be just me, still I wish you had hidden elsewhere:P
My body is frozen in fear.like a cage of my mind
flashes of my life appear, its broken, unclear


on the verge of death, resistance is futile
in the depths of my own mind resides, oblivous desire

descending with no purpose
aligned are the stars
ascending the purpose
my message is blank

on the verge of death, resistance is futile
in the depths of my own mind, oblivous desire

i see my horizon
surrounding shadows
embracing the night
the day has vanished
the day has vanished
^^Lovely ending

Overall I like this but I feel it could have been better(more like the start and the end)

C4C?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1366544
#6
Quote by RodeoBrunslid
Its not completely finished, i have some pre-choruses to write. But i wanted to put it out there to get some feedback!

Its much appreciated, drop a link to your work, and ill crit it!


When you look into my decaying eyes,you see my soul is breaking down
into the void, filled with lies,i hide within your broken crown

(Great opening line)

My body is frozen in fear.like a cage of my mind
flashes of my life appear, its broken, unclear

(Again, Like this)


on the verge of death, resistance is futile
in the depths of my own mind, oblivous desire

(" ")

descending with no purpose
aligned are the stars
ascending the purpose
my message is blank

(I don't like the last line on this.. It doesn't fit. It may just be me though, possibly something that goes hand in hand with stars? I'm not sure, but like first 3 lines)

on the verge of death, resistance is futile
in the depths of my own mind, oblivous desire

i see my horizon
surrounding shadows
embracing the night
the day has vanished
the day has vanished


I really like this, the only thing I would personally change is the !my message is blank part, but I really quite like it, keep up the good work brah

Out of interest what genre have you got down for this? Have you got an an insturmental part for this?

And C4C?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1367059