#1
morning in a wonderous manner-
reprising roles in the cellar fantastic!
ada lofted in her summer dress as i
pull the slip up over her smiling head-
her hair cut short in a boyish manner,
i call her adam and she frustratingly
moves past it-past the storm drain
where the mice funnel in and play in a
puddle ecstatic! past the fallout shelter
where we frolicked as kids in our coats and
galoshes! always late for dinner, always
umbrella'd in naivety we found in wells
near the market-we walked until we were
moonface'd in a temperate daze marching
backwards toward the existential downfall
that is teenage years-soon came fu.cking,
smoking pot, egging cars, prom-in a dream
you were a big blue whale with a garter on and
i took it off with my teeth-in a dream you were a
big blue whale with a smile on and i kissed you with
my teeth-in a dream you were a big blue whale and
i carved a canoe out of you and traversed the ocean
with magellan as my 2nd mate-in a dream i
felt something i don't ever expect to feel again-
wake, reprise! fantastical melodies pour out your
mind into a cassette player that loops around my insides!
i'd compare your organs to expensive art-
i'd swim laps in your marrow-
i'd eat your heart and brains for the sake of performance-
do you know that most people don't ever feel love?
sad, isn't it ada?
to those people i suggest having a child and then drowning it-
to those people i suggest putting a bullet in their mouth for the
fu.ck of it-
to those people i suggest taking up gardening-
to those i say,
smile, mother fu.ckers,
i mean,
if you have the cleverness to do so.
Last edited by rushmore at Sep 29, 2010,
#2
i want to swim in this, i want to splash in its puddles and shriek and run everywhere barefooted
but then things get cold and i'm left soaked.

so i dont know. i like this (love this? garden this) but i need to read it more. there are many things to go through.
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& alaskan_ninja

#3
I'm speechless.

This is the prime example of the style of literature I love; a wide vocabulary used appropriately and contextually, a quirky and sentimental charm, visage and secrecy the all way through, but obviously with a purpose and direction even if that purpose isn't evident right away. I may not know necessarily what you're talking about in terms of a concept ( ), but your word play and phrasing is nothing short of incredible - I love this!

Every word flows together seamlessly into the next. I love the repetition and expansion on the ''big blue whale'' later in the piece; the frequent use of exclamation points tied in with sophisticated word-play in the context of what I can only consider to be Shakespearean-esque poetry, giving this quirky quality, and the character themselves a sort of mischievous and cheeky persona; and then a pedantic, blunt take washes over by the end.

I can't give much critique on this, but the more I read it, the more I'm enjoying it - I'm not sure if I could work out the concept or context, but this piece seems to have an almost schizophrenic quality, now that I consider it, what with all the aspects I was writing about up there.

So I guess all-in-all - great work! I haven't given much of a critique, but if there's anything you'd like me to scout for or anything you're not sure on that I could have a deeper look at, please feel free to let me know. =]
If you have the time, could you please check out 'Mathematics' (or if you have even more time, 'Hey, No Worries' as well? ) in my sig? It's unfinished and will be revised, so any feedback is very much appreciated. =D

Last edited by juckfush at Sep 28, 2010,
#4
I'm not really the great at critiquing to start with, but basically what juckfush said, I very much enjoyed the piece.
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#7
Makes me happy
But I don't know what to think of some parts, and then I get confused in my joy, and read it again, and get happy again, and think again, and...
Last edited by Karel Juwet at Sep 30, 2010,