#1
He's a pretty chill guy.

We were telling jokes for a bit today. Such as "Why did the train go to the brothel? To blow off a little steam"

So I thought, **** it, he would love some of the Pit's jokes.

So I says to him I says: "What's the difference between a dog and a woman?"

He says to me he says: "what's that?"

Me: "It's wrong to kick a dog."

Him: "Didn't like that one mate."

Woops.

Any similar stories?


Quote by Våd Hamster
Find a dice and assign a number to each girl. Throw the dice.


The number you hope for at the moment you throw the dice, is the one you'll want to keep.
#2
You should have turned that situation around, man.
Him: "Didn't like that one mate."
You: "That's what your mom said last night, amirite?!"
Quote by Zero-Hartman
Damn you, bodyheatseeker

Quote by Paramore.
bodyheatseeker, I will NEVER forgive you.

#3
You should have turned that situation around, man.
Him: "Didn't like that one mate."
You: "That's what your mom said last night, amirite?!"


Beat me to it
#4
Other than on the internet, and in close groups of friends, sexism isn't really funnily joked about.

Me and my sister always tell sexist jokes to each other, and my mom sits there flipping out because my sister tells the more offensive ones


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RBY CYOA
#5
Quote by bodyheatseeker
You should have turned that situation around, man.
Him: "Didn't like that one mate."
You: "That's what your mom said last night, amirite?!"



Quote by Våd Hamster
Find a dice and assign a number to each girl. Throw the dice.


The number you hope for at the moment you throw the dice, is the one you'll want to keep.
#6
I thought the title said "Told a joke to my bass today", I'm happy to realize you're not crazy
If it were socially acceptable, I would drape myself in velvet.

Quote by Bassist1992
When I was 11.

Googled "I would like to watch some porn please"



Quote by daytripper75
I;m rdruk I feel no pain

#7
Quote by bodyheatseeker
You should have turned that situation around, man.
Him: "Didn't like that one mate."
You: "That's what your mom said last night, amirite?!"

Quote by Pleasure2kill
The truth is, Muslims never apologized for their faith having something to do with the attacks on 9/11.
#8
Quote by MonkeyLink07
Other than on the internet, and in close groups of friends, sexism isn't really funnily joked about.

Me and my sister always tell sexist jokes to each other, and my mom sits there flipping out because my sister tells the more offensive ones


I do that too. And since i'm asian as well my sister and i always tell eachother racist jokes as well
Quote by jibran
I go to the pit only to just look at your creepy perverted username.


My Tumblr
#9
Whats the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?


The hooker can wipe her crack and sell it again.
Quote by mullet1337
Holy ****. **** you. You ****ing ****.
Last edited by footsteps7173 at Sep 29, 2010,
#10
Well, last day of the second year of sixth form, we were all telling jokes. One guy says, "can they be racist jokes?" the head of sixth form replied "someone has to set a standard"

Now's your time to shine Leg end, DO IT!

"Why do black people only have nightmares? The last one to have a dream got shot"

Everyone in sixth form, all teachers and everything "Whooooooaaaaaaa!"

*AWKWARD SILENCE*
#12
Quote by leg end
Well, last day of the second year of sixth form, we were all telling jokes. One guy says, "can they be racist jokes?" the head of sixth form replied "someone has to set a standard"

Now's your time to shine Leg end, DO IT!

"Why do black people only have nightmares? The last one to have a dream got shot"

Everyone in sixth form, all teachers and everything "Whooooooaaaaaaa!"

*AWKWARD SILENCE*


Dumb PCfags, that shit was funny
~don't finkdinkle when ur supposed to be dimpdickin~
#13
I was at a party couple nights ago hanging out with these randoms and me and this chick starts telling jokes. her jokes were the really bad, punny jokes. so then she says a dead baby joke..

"How do you stop a baby from drowning?" and immediatly I say "you take your foot off its head!" then they all go "whooooaaaaaaa" cause they had some more innocent, not as funny response!

i thought it was great
sim simma

who got the keys to my beema
#14
My boss would love those jokes. In fact, I am the least perverted male employee of the entire company. Feels good, man.
#15
Came for "blah blah boss got offended, now I'm fired/being sued for sexual harassment."

Left mildly disappointed. Only mildly though.

[IN PHIL WE TRUST]


Quote by Trowzaa
I only play bots. Bots never abandon me. (´・ω・`)

#16
Quote by MonkeyLink07
Other than on the internet, and in close groups of friends, sexism isn't really funnily joked about.

Me and my sister always tell sexist jokes to each other, and my mom sits there flipping out because my sister tells the more offensive ones


#18
I came into work about 2 weeks ago and everyone at the bar was talking about how someone in the village has been ****ing a donkey at the donkey sanctuary a few miles away.. Apparently when the vet was asked to examine the donkey for traces of jizz, the vet asked which of the 3 donkeys to examine (2 were male, the other 2 were female) and the bloke went mental saying "well it must be one of the females, or that would just be ****ed up!!"...like screwing a donkey isn't messed up in itself haha.

A little later, one of my bosses turned up and was told about the situation...to which he replied, in all seriousness "what's wrong with that?"..
Quote by rich_sg
Oh come on Emz, the thread is who's your favorite UG'er, not MOST FAVORITE IN THE WHOLE WORLD!


Elecktra Of The UG Hero's And Villian's Club Pm josh999x To Join

The proud owner of [x]Huffy[x]

Quote by Heafyman
You Jackass_babe are cool.
#19
I keep reading all the "Whooooooaaaaaaa!" here in a voice that I am not aware of.
Quote by tattyreagh
He's the hero The Pit deserves but not the one it needs right now. So, we'll hunt him, because he can take it. Because he's not our hero. He's a silent guardian. A watchful protector. GbAdimDb5m7.


Free Jani92jani

Free Will Swanson
#20
I actually told a really clean joke once and I got actually got a laugh.

Was during a lesson


Mr. Jones steals a loaf of bread, what court would he go to for punishment(or something like that)?

Magistrate, royal crown or something.

Anyways I said food court.


And yes I was the one that laughed


Piss off
They made me do push ups in drag

I'm gonna have a really hard time if we're both cannibals and racists.

Don't dress as a whore, he'll thump you.

I'm a firework, primed to go off
#21
not a joke but my brother was working at a landscaping place for the week, he boss was some fat chick, so as he was leaving (like the 5th day he was there) he said to the woman congrats on the baby, she gave him a shiitty look and said WHAT!?. yes, my brother is about as bright as a candle under water.
#22
Quote by padgea7x
I actually told a really clean joke once and I got actually got a laugh.

Was during a lesson


Mr. Jones steals a loaf of bread, what court would he go to for punishment(or something like that)?

Magistrate, royal crown or something.

Anyways I said food court.


And yes I was the one that laughed


Piss off


I geniunely laughed at that :P
#23
Quote by jackass_babe
I came into work about 2 weeks ago and everyone at the bar was talking about how someone in the village has been ****ing a donkey at the donkey sanctuary a few miles away.. Apparently when the vet was asked to examine the donkey for traces of jizz, the vet asked which of the 3 donkeys to examine (2 were male, the other 2 were female) and the bloke went mental saying "well it must be one of the females, or that would just be ****ed up!!"...like screwing a donkey isn't messed up in itself haha.

A little later, one of my bosses turned up and was told about the situation...to which he replied, in all seriousness "what's wrong with that?"..


I think I found your rapist...
You who build these altars now

To sacrifice these children
You must not do it anymore
#24
Quote by boreamor
I geniunely laughed at that :P


Awesome!

I need to go tell my friends that somone found it funny!

They made me do push ups in drag

I'm gonna have a really hard time if we're both cannibals and racists.

Don't dress as a whore, he'll thump you.

I'm a firework, primed to go off
#25
I'll beat yours man.

So my cousin Jackie came to vist not to long ago. I went to see her at my moms house (I live on my own) so my mom and my cousin are in the kitchen prepping a few dishes for my brothers and I. Right when I walked, with the straightest face I looked them both in the eyes and said, "That's what I like to see when I come from a hard day at work, two women over the stove cooking me a dinner"

My cousins face went from pale white to red as hell and chased me outta the kitchen

I ran away screaming and flailing my hands like a chicken without a head.
Quote by JacobTheMe
JacobTheEdit: Hell yeah Ruben.

Quote by Jackal58
I met Jesus once. Cocksucker still owes me 20 bucks.
#26
Quote by LuckyBoys91
I thought the title said "Told a joke to my bass today", I'm happy to realize you're not crazy

If this were a fishing forum, that would have had a totally different meaning.
Quote by JezuzFingerz
Oh i lol'd quite a lot. Internets to you Normul. Normul you are the funniest man on all the internets. I would gladly make dirty lovin' to Normul all night long. Normul is the reason I breath. Normul
#27
Quote by Normul
If this were a fishing forum, that would have had a totally different meaning.


You who build these altars now

To sacrifice these children
You must not do it anymore
#28
I pulled out the "CHLOROPHYLL? MORE LIKE BORE-O-PHYLL!!!" joke from Billy Madison in my college Biology class the other day.


I got a few laughs but it was mostly just awkward and inappropriate.

Story of my life, really.
Knowledge speaks, but wisdom listens.

When the power of love overcomes the love of power the world will know peace.


-Jimi Hendrix-

Quote by CodySG
You know you're in the drug thread when you see pictures of squash and "tuna nigga!" when you click the page.
#29
Quote by the bartender



Another Joke I told. Guy said it was racist but I don't think it was

"Why is it that grown Muslim men can go out in public with their night wear on, but when I do the same I get told to put some clothes on?"

to get the joke
They made me do push ups in drag

I'm gonna have a really hard time if we're both cannibals and racists.

Don't dress as a whore, he'll thump you.

I'm a firework, primed to go off
#30
Some friends of mine were playing a gig once, pretty small gig, not a huge amount of people there. Some guy shouted out 'tell a joke' while the guitarists were tuning and the singer told the old 'What's worse than finding a maggot in your apple? A dead baby'.

Turns out the guy on stage after them was having his head shaved for charity. A charity for terminally ill children. Ouch.
#31
I don't tell jokes, i just act funny

Like if my boss tells me to do something, then i go like this: 'erh, I.. m... eaf! . herp deafderp!" and move my hands really spastik and point at my ear and make a really weird face.
then they stare at me

If you want to make people laugh, try it!
Last edited by toine at Sep 29, 2010,
#32
Quote by toine
I don't tell jokes, i just act funny

Like if my boss tells me to do something, then i go like this: 'erh, I.. m... eaf! . herp deafderp!" and move my hands really spastik and point at my ear and make a really weird face.
then they stare at me

If you want to make people laugh, try it!


*Reads post*

*Looks at user title*

I see.
Gear :

Jackson JS32T King V
Vox VT40+
Stagg C542
#33
Quote by MonkeyLink07
Other than on the internet, and in close groups of friends, sexism isn't really funnily joked about.

Good thing most women are too busy thinking about shoes or jewelry to notice. amirite?
#34
In my Pre-Calc class today, there was this problem where we were using graphing calculators, and the two parts of the graph didn't touch. This one kid says "I have this line in between the two graphs." and I said "That's the Y-Axis." Turns out, it was something to do with his calculator. I got one laugh out of it though.
What are you dense?
Are you retarded or something?
Who the hell do you think I am?
I'm the goddamn Batman.

April 19th, 2011: The Night of the Boob