24WildRovers
The Wild Hippy Rover
Join date: May 2008
2,176 IQ
#1
The storm rises beyond the horizon
And I'm here in my little boat;
I've sailed the seas all alone
Only long enough for a squall wave
To come crashing down upon me.

It's different out here on the seas,
Heroes die without any glory
There are no happy ending stories
The rain and the wind blows
But the sailors still sails on

All I have to leave behind me
Is just what I've found before me,
I will not go down this day
With my back against the squall.
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Last edited by 24WildRovers at Nov 12, 2010,
BloodCold
bite me.
Join date: Aug 2010
10 IQ
#2
Quote by 24WildRovers
The storm rises beyond the horizon
^^I like this line.
And I'm here in my tiny little boat;
^^Leave out either "tiny" or "little"
I've sailed the seas all alone
Only long enough for a squall wave
To come crashing down upon me.
^^Good opening.

It's different out here on the seas,
There are no heros or glory
We all end up living the same story,
Hoping to sail another cloudless day
To sail through the seas once again.
^^Whole stanza needs a re-write (except, maybe the first line).

All I have to leave behind me
Is just what I've found before me,
^^I love these 2lines.
But I will forever fight
^^"forever fight" sounds weird.
With my back against the squall.

...
24WildRovers
The Wild Hippy Rover
Join date: May 2008
2,176 IQ
#3
Quote by BloodCold
...

Thanks That really helps
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24WildRovers
The Wild Hippy Rover
Join date: May 2008
2,176 IQ
#6
Quote by Bass21
I like It ! ! !

Glad you liked it
Quote by MousseMoose
I'm not much of a crtique for writing yet, but the last two lines of the second stanza confuse me because they don't seem grammatically correct. Might want to check up on that.

Thanks for the comment I noticed that you haven't posted a thread in this forum yet, but when you do I will critique it
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Rowrena Chan
Rowrena
Join date: Mar 2011
10 IQ
#7
Ahh.. so you write poetry As I said in a PM... I suck at critiquing... and all I can come up with is that it's really good! My favourite line will have to be 'All I have to leave behind me
Is just what I've found before me'
C4C... deal?


I am friendly, so to anyone who is reading this... don't be afraid to comment and befriend me

P.S. You can be as harsh as you want when critisising... I enjoy the truth!!
24WildRovers
The Wild Hippy Rover
Join date: May 2008
2,176 IQ
#8
Quote by Rowrena Chan
Ahh.. so you write poetry As I said in a PM... I suck at critiquing... and all I can come up with is that it's really good! My favourite line will have to be 'All I have to leave behind me
Is just what I've found before me'

Well thank you for this comment, I am glad you liked it
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