#1
This is a poem I wrote when I was thirteen living in the boroughs of New York. My new work is nothing like this but I wanted to post it first as an homage to how far I've come since then. Crit for crit! This has a basic Jamaican blues back beat.

"Sad Angel Leaning Against A Tombstone"

The furnace was the safest place back then
C ock sores and lace on/or among them
My complex was constructed of woodwork and semen
I lie in the dark and fantasize carpentry

The vein covered shaft appeared to me flacid
There are countless ways of constructing a plywood barstool
She seemed distracted but had potential
The tootpaste backwash was the hardest of the fluids to swallow

The balls came at me from every direction
A wall of shame and foreigners half limp erections
Remembering the distant cries of my two miscarriages
The pimp pulls a gun... bang bang...alone

Back to the furnace, the safest place
All I need is food and a little water
Tahitian wool placed among the ashes of Gibraltar
Put me in the fire, I need to die

The dank smell of taint and Sicilian cologne
Masking the faint smell of lost dreams and ass
There is no God to save me
I can't even save yourself
#2
As we get to the end I feel as if the story is rather confusing, I think that is intended though; does she have split personality due to her profession? Very beautiful, I might add. It shows the harshness of daily life but the little things (the Hearth) that makes life worth while.
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Life is like a box of.... like a bowl of cher.... What you make....

Rainbows are fantastic? I don't know what metaphor to use here...



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Most species frown upon eating humans.
#3
Exceptional writing for a thirteen-year-old. I loved the subtle use of cacophonous phrasing to emphasize the dark, unsettling theme. You really made the technical aspect of the writing work with the content and this is not always easy to do. Liked it a lot!

Last.fm


"Art is always and everywhere the secret confession, and at the same time the immortal movement of its time."


#4
Thank you hun, i know it's vulgar but i was young and so hurt. Being a prostitute was horrible. Thank you for the crit dear.
#5
And thank you Remus, I find it still strangely entertaining to this day, used to be hard to look back on..
#7
Fo reelz? You were a prostitute? I hope you weren't when you wrote this at age 13 O.o

Anyway, great job, very advanced/dark for a 13 year old, great imagery and flow, etc. I kind of died a little inside when reading this. But, y'know, in a good way
#9
Thank you it was a surprise my work being put into the spot light a few months ago.