#1
I swear to god I checked to see
If you were by my side the other day
I remembered what you said that
"you'd do well to avoid a mistake like me."
And in that subdued tone of yours I nested
As if paralyzed, ignoring your absence.

And then, with the ceiling as my canvas,
I painted a scene of the two of us
Where we'd embrace, with a sigh of relief
Share scars and put burdens to rest
I rehearsed for hours on end for
The conversations that we'd never have

Emptiness is realizing
that the limb you cherish
Has long since been dismembered
And you've been scraping at a memory

I braved the winter, but it made me someone else
My body's frozen but I think, come summer, I'll melt
Till then I have you here to nurture me
To sew me up, and gauze my wounds it seems
Unless my mind is playing tricks on me again
I hope to god that you're not an illusion
I hope to god, but these feet won't touch the ground.


Any sort of feedback would be fantastic.
I wrote a song about war...
The kind that lives in your head.
#3
Screamo?
Quote by strat0blaster
Life is like a box of.... like a bowl of cher.... What you make....

Rainbows are fantastic? I don't know what metaphor to use here...



Quote by A bear
Most species frown upon eating humans.
#4
Quote by BloodReverence
Very abstract, very heartfelt.

I like them but the question is how well they'd work in a song.


Thank you, very much. I'm not sure how they'll fit yet, they're not in typical song structure form, but I think I can make it work.

Quote by Apeshxt
Screamo?

Nah, think Brand New, maybe early-Death Cab For Cutie.
I wrote a song about war...
The kind that lives in your head.
#6
I was a bit bit confused about the winter to summer, then nurture part. It made me feel as though you were overall numb to the feelings knowing only you'd have to confront them, and then all of a sudden you're telling us about how they're there currently bringing you closure.

Maybe split them apart or expand on those ideas a bit more?

Other than that, very good.
OBEY THE MIGHTY SHITKICKER
#7
I really really like the second stanza, and then the third one is close behind. I wasn't really interested in the first one all that much though. Mainly the first 3 lines.
#8
Thanks for the feedback.

Quote by JustRooster
I was a bit bit confused about the winter to summer, then nurture part. It made me feel as though you were overall numb to the feelings knowing only you'd have to confront them, and then all of a sudden you're telling us about how they're there currently bringing you closure.

Maybe split them apart or expand on those ideas a bit more?

Other than that, very good.

I get that the winter and summer part would be confusing, but they're (very personal) metaphors kinda, if you want me to explain it PM me.

Quote by Chronic1e
I really really like the second stanza, and then the third one is close behind. I wasn't really interested in the first one all that much though. Mainly the first 3 lines.

Thanks for that, it makes sense that those would be well liked over the first, as I really only used the first stanza to support the rest of the lyrics. I pretty much wrote this to help me through what I'm feeling right now. Probably bad writing on my part.
I wrote a song about war...
The kind that lives in your head.