#1

Because there is no purpose to conceal -
the ambiance was bitter, yet overarching;
civilians were few and far between.
The table beside the tributary
was full of coffee-filled mugs (called the cups
of suffering) and disappointed sons,
with eyes fixated on the carrion
crows that monitored our conversations
and plundered all human carcasses on
the land where our table sojourned upon.

The caws became much more terrifying
as our laughter consumed the wild ardor
of other beverages, dimensions
and lands. And thus evoked the unceasing

zeitgeist.
Last edited by Bleed Away at Mar 26, 2011,
#2
Cut the "cups of suffering" line and this will be perfect... Love it!

Last.fm


"Art is always and everywhere the secret confession, and at the same time the immortal movement of its time."


#4
Quote by rd93
I didn't like "coos". I don't think they can really become terrifying at all. I don't know about starting with "because", either. But other than thought I thought it was good.


I definitely meant 'caws' and not 'coos', which is the murmuring of pigeons and doves.
I started of with 'because', because I wanted to incorperate the title of the piece into the piece itself. Kind of.

Cheers guys
#5
I always sort of stumble with your phrasing. Not all of the time, but I noticed it particularly in the second sentence. It was far too long. I think that its because you need to add breaks in there allowing the phrase to breathe, or that the syntax felt a bit weird.

I'll single out this line: 'civilians were few and far between' the general impression of this is it just doesn't feel natural - that termology feels noticably dated - the phrase is an old one and putting a word like 'civilians' in front of it feels awkward - something simple like 'people' can be so much more effective and less clunky.

I also think the way you push imagery: 'cups of suffering' actually works in a piece like this where a domestic situation is dramatised. Sometimes this doesn't work though in other pieces but I dig the use of it here.

'Dimensions and lands' was a bit filler-ish, I think you know it too - especially dropping a word like 'zeitgeist' later on which already expresses this idea.

Also, unless you haven't already written the next parts I would just post it all in one thread. This was a nice setting of the scene, but to be honest it wasn't anything more than that. Interested to see what happens next.

And if you could just drop a few quick lines on my poem, https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1422795 that would be swell. Peace.
#6
Quote by Bleed Away
I definitely meant 'caws' and not 'coos', which is the murmuring of pigeons and doves.
I started of with 'because', because I wanted to incorperate the title of the piece into the piece itself. Kind of.

Cheers guys


Oh well in that case,

I would be honored if you could look at one of the works in my sig.
#7
'carcasses on
the land where our table sojourned upon.'

The double use of 'on' made me stumble.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#8
I thought you did a great job of setting an atmosphere and mood of uneasiness with this piece. I'm definitely intrigued to see where the next few parts take it. I didn't have a problem with "dimensions and lands". I thought it only added to the dramatics and atmosphere you are creating. I did stumble over the 'on-upon' lines, as DigUp did.

I trying to think of other places for suggestion but I can't. Like I said, I think a tangible mood was created with this piece and I can't wait to see where the rest goes
here, My Dear, here it is