#1
I'm no song writer but I think I might as well give it a shot.

I'm laying in my bed
With nightmares that I will dread
And I know I might see the light
When I'm right here tonight

I see her bloody face
As she slowly turns and walks away
With the deafening words I despise
"I'm leaving tonight!"

I can't forget the wreckage
Smoldered of dead memories
That I try to forget with my pleas
Cause there's too much I can see

I need a sense of comfort
A drug to turn me away
Knowing that I can't stay
I slowly drown and always pray

Just a little bit of what I wrote. I think my main weakness is sentence fluency and my word choice. No, this is not a love the song! The meaning of the song is about the fear of death and how you regret how you lived your life. The girl is supposed to be symbolic for your life going away.
#4
It's really good. If I were to give advice i'd say be more metaphorical and try to switch up your language a lot. Look for other words to say what you want to say, it will lead you in completely different directions.
#5
Sometimes putting in words just to make it rhyme can really restrict what you have to say, especially when it's every line like that. I like how you used 'slowly' and 'always' against each other in the last line. It wouldn't be nearly as effective without the 'always', which is how I accidentally read it the first time. I like the second stanza also, particularly the last two lines of it. But the first stanza is too direct and can't be interpreted in very many ways.
#6
Alright thanks for the advice. I'm just cautious about not writing rhymes only because I feel like it will make the lyrics awkward to read.
#7
I know how you feel. It helps to imagine music behind it and sing it in your head as you go along, and some of it will just seem so natural.
#8
Quote by Chronic1e
I know how you feel. It helps to imagine music behind it and sing it in your head as you go along, and some of it will just seem so natural.
Actually I do, do that. When I'm just daydreaming the notes come to me but right when I say "That's it... I'm gonna right this shit down," it all goes away and I'm just there looking at a blank piece of paper clueless of what I'm gonna do.
Guitars: Amps
1. Shecter Damien 6 1. Line 6 Spider III
2. Yamaha Pacifica (RED) 2. Drive CD 20