#1
She's calling me
Whispering to me softly
Leaning torwards me
But I can't do it

I go outside for some fresh air
This warm summer wind blows on my face
Looking for excuses to get out of here
I want to try something insane

I hesitate at first I consider the possibilities
But I'd try anything to make this feeling go away
I swallow it down waiting for something to happen
Suddenly everything seems better now it's like magic

I don't want to ever go away
I'll take another pill so it won't stop
I'm on the top of the world and nothing can stop me
I forgot about her, Galit something something
She didn't want me well it's her loss doesn't matter to
I can do better off without her I finally feel happy
But suddenly my head starts spinning
I want to get down I want to be normal
It is too late though I trip and fall over
All these people around me trying to save me
How can you save someone's whos already dead?
You can't mend a broken heart
Nothing can, you just make it go away for a while
As I say good to this material world
I suddenly think about her
It make me realize
I'm sorry I let you go
Quote by tattyreagh
He's the hero The Pit deserves but not the one it needs right now. So, we'll hunt him, because he can take it. Because he's not our hero. He's a silent guardian. A watchful protector. GbAdimDb5m7.


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#2
It's very obvious you're writing about yourself, which is my preferred way, but you really start to stray towards cliches and empty phrases. There's potential here, but everything is worded in a very plain way.

This kind of poetry always reads better when you write it in the same voice you talk in, so it seems as if you're speaking to us. Also, rephrase some things, and word them so they're specific to you, avoid cliche lines, describe yourself in your on way so the whole thing just comes of as...


...yours.
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#3
Quote by JustRooster
It's very obvious you're writing about yourself, which is my preferred way, but you really start to stray towards cliches and empty phrases. There's potential here, but everything is worded in a very plain way.

This kind of poetry always reads better when you write it in the same voice you talk in, so it seems as if you're speaking to us. Also, rephrase some things, and word them so they're specific to you, avoid cliche lines, describe yourself in your on way so the whole thing just comes of as...


...yours.

What are exactly empty phrases?
And are you saying that I should use higher language?
What are some cliche lines I have in the songs?Probably the last line, also I should rephrase this I wrote this in like 10 mins I just spilled it all out.

Thanks for the critisism.
Quote by tattyreagh
He's the hero The Pit deserves but not the one it needs right now. So, we'll hunt him, because he can take it. Because he's not our hero. He's a silent guardian. A watchful protector. GbAdimDb5m7.


Free Jani92jani

Free Will Swanson