#1
got robbed.


The voice burst from the speaker like a warning shot
and I shrugged
couldn't be, well,
might be.
Love please go to bed.
Home, neighbors, safety,
people are good.
Just suburban punks, actin' hard.
Probably

only took five seconds,
I let it happen.

$800 doesn't buy a new you.
I want Super Saiyan abilities
Last edited by rebelmidget at Mar 19, 2011,
#2
i like the overall sentiment and intention of the piece. i like how it is a bit of collage/stream-of-consciousness free writing thing. really. though i cant help but to think it is awkward at times, the lines breaks, the punctuation, the diction. i think it's less awkward when read out loud, but maybe i've just read it so many times now that i got used to it.


i'd still suggest playing around with it a bit. use punctuation and linebreaks to benefit the piece. i did enjoy reading it.
#3
I really liked the meat and potatoes of this piece, but I wasn't really a fan of the disconnected lines. They felt like they should have been part of another full stanza so I would suggest perhaps building one around the action you're describing here. Other than that I thought this was very cool.

Last.fm


"Art is always and everywhere the secret confession, and at the same time the immortal movement of its time."


#4
i was about to give a far to wordy and revealing response to you gentlemen. instead I will clarify that "got robbed." is not part of the poem and that the last line is a quote from my girlfriend who hid in the bedroom while it all happened

p.s. i know its rather extensively punctuated. could use work, won't get it
I want Super Saiyan abilities
#5
Quote by rebelmidget
i was about to give a far to wordy and revealing response to you gentlemen. instead I will clarify that "got robbed." is not part of the poem and that the last line is a quote from my girlfriend who hid in the bedroom while it all happened

p.s. i know its rather extensively punctuated. could use work, won't get it


That does clarify things. In addition to what cubs said, I think you should give a hint that the quote is from your girlfriend in the poem. I'd be interested in seeing what this looks like after it's fixed up a little bit.