#1
(C4C, leave link)


Run-away from the second grade schoolyard
to float among ephemeral things seen
and wondered after; the strange shapes
that clouds make.
Nose to the ground and eyes to the sky,
Sheet metal torn from the wings of a plane,
disemboweled and beating.
"Do you hear the rain?
Do you hear the rain?"
art tumblr

If I'm not raw, I'm just a bit underdone.
#2
A short piece should work as a statement. Something that registers at the end in a way that expresses it's idea and makes you mull over something profound in a way that's felt and not forced, but I feel like there are 3 to 4 different things that crash into each other and I can't take anything away from it.
Poor advice.
#4
This is a very interesting piece, its such a sad story, and even more haunting as I can hear the rain, which is something I rarely hear.

Thesauruses aren't always your friend though, ephemeral isn't the most accessible word. You shouldn't make your readers use a dictionary.

I like how you use nose, as in nose of a plane, but some people might be thinking the nose on her face, that was one of my favorite lines. And of course there are the words straight from Jessica's mouth, "Do you hear the rain?"

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=26730104#post26730104
#5
Had to Google Jessica Dubroff to get this, but I'm glad I did. This piece was fantastic and there isn't much practical advice I feel I can offer.... The only line I didn't really like was "Sheet metal torn from the wings of a plane". Given the strength of the writing in the rest of the piece, it felt a little bland, but that's just personal nitpicking. Loved the writing and interesting theme.

Last.fm


"Art is always and everywhere the secret confession, and at the same time the immortal movement of its time."


#6
Quote by zach in black
This is a very interesting piece, its such a sad story, and even more haunting as I can hear the rain, which is something I rarely hear.

Thesauruses aren't always your friend though, ephemeral isn't the most accessible word. You shouldn't make your readers use a dictionary.

I like how you use nose, as in nose of a plane, but some people might be thinking the nose on her face, that was one of my favorite lines. And of course there are the words straight from Jessica's mouth, "Do you hear the rain?"

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=26730104#post26730104


I have no problem making my readers use a dictionary. Part of the pleasure in reading, for me at least, is building a better vocabulary. We should learn when we read.
art tumblr

If I'm not raw, I'm just a bit underdone.