#1
We were young then
We carved hearts into trees
And in them initials that would change

Our parents spoke us softly to sleep
With silly Dr. Seuss tales
Of pesky, wild cats
And trying new things
Before life began

We began dancing
With those who weren't our last dance
And so didn't matter
The time for preparation
Not yet the dawn of life

Here are my thoughts, though yet ill-formed:
I am but an instrument of youth
Enduring a gauntlet of ignorant play
I'd like to think I spent my time well
But I grasp at significant memories
Like a child chasing butterflies
Coming up short
Stumbling along without a care
Grasping, but with no real wish to hold

Careful child! you might live the real life
The waking life
Can you do it without counting?


Any comments you have would be warmly welcomed...
#2
This is cool and there were some parts I really liked, but I felt like other parts were a little cliché. For example "But I grasp at significant memories/Like a child chasing butterflies"and "We were young then/We carved hearts into trees". This is not to say that the theme and direction of the piece doesn't work, I just think you could find a more original way to phrase it. Touch it up and re-post it, though, 'cos it's definitely got potential.

Last.fm


"Art is always and everywhere the secret confession, and at the same time the immortal movement of its time."