#1
I haven't written anything in months, so here's a first in a long time. I hope to develop "black swan" into an actual song at some point, but I just wrote this to try to develop some ideas. Let me know what you think.

Black Swan

Walk over the tracks
and go on down the hill
walk the path of rock and rubble
until you reach the tomb

Surrounded by black water
it seems to be shadowed
unwanted and surprised
Surprised, you’ve found it.

A Black Swan swims around,
every once and a while,
glancing up at you,
inviting you to come near

Gently,
a breeze pushes you forward.
as you stumble to the waters edge,
The Swan, pays you no attention
and glides towards the tomb.

Slowly waddling out of the water
she enters the dark entrance.
Upon your knees, you get up,
and step into the water.
#2
Quote by scguitarking927
I haven't written anything in months, so here's a first in a long time. I hope to develop "black swan" into an actual song at some point, but I just wrote this to try to develop some ideas. Let me know what you think.

Black Swan

Walk over the tracks
and go on down the hill
walk the path of rock and rubble
until you reach the tomb
I don't like the repeated usage of "walk." Use "traverse" or "voyage" or "mosey on down"

Surrounded by black water
it seems to be shadowed
unwanted and surprised
Surprised, you’ve found it.
I don't like the "it seems to be." It is or it isn't, and it doesn't sound good to me. Also, what's with the two "surprised"s in a row? I don't like the diction in this verse.

A Black Swan swims around,
every once and a while,
glancing up at you,
inviting you to come near
Eh. I don't like this too much. It's underdeveloped IMO

Gently,
a breeze pushes you forward.
as you stumble to the waters edge,
The Swan, pays you no attention
and glides towards the tomb.
If you were to just put "gently" after "breeze" it'd be better. I don't know why it deserved an entire line.

Slowly waddling out of the water
she enters the dark entrance.
Upon your knees, you get up,
and step into the water.
"Enters the dark entrance?" Nah. When was I on my knees?



I just don't really like this too much, sorry. Maybe its significance just flew over my head, but I don't think you developed this enough. It's just a descriptive peace, and the imagery you used is kind of passé, boring, and unimaginative. Just my .02.
#3
Quote by trueamerican
I just don't really like this too much, sorry. Maybe its significance just flew over my head, but I don't think you developed this enough. It's just a descriptive peace, and the imagery you used is kind of passé, boring, and unimaginative. Just my .02.


Black swans or a "black swan situation" are something that deviates from the norm, "surprising" if you will lol. Events that deviate from the norm and are unpredictable. but you don't realize that the event was important until further down the road, by using hindsight. Finding a random tomb surrounded by black water is a unpredictable event. Walking down a path, you wouldn't expect to find that. I leave off of the major turning point of the main character entering the water to represent that this is the turning point and the part where he would later look back as the "black swan event"

I used seemed to be because I wanted to show some what of a "mystery". You stumble upon a tomb in the middle of a pond or lake and the water is black. Something out of the norm, your kind of in aw. What in the world could make water black?

Repetition of "surprised" is to show significance.

"Gently" got it's own line, because up to the point of being pushed to your knees by the water, you were fairly calm. It wasn't a gentle breeze, but a breeze that gently pushed you, pushed none the less.

I don't understand your last comment for the last stanza? I say, "you get up" so your getting up from your knees and then enter the water to follow the swan.

Sorry you didn't like it.