#1
My favourite mix of tender foam and gold liquor
Warm and reserved, intelligent but fierce
I myself am strong but
Three, four, five of them
Are superior over me
We meet at the barrel seat
The table is our battlefield

I deliberately present myself at the battle every night
Open for challenge, embracing victory
Taking down every litre of the mix
But the horde is infinite
A collosal legion united by desire
The more elites I subdue
The harder i fall
And the more depressing the truth I realize
That I am destroying myself
-
-
The foam liquor mix relaxes on my lips
Soft and sweet
Swims down my throat like a tropical waterfall
Tiny droplets splash out from the crashing on the rocks
They are a house of mirrors that scatter the most luminous light
And they allow the most colourful rainbows to arch naturally across
Over the pink elephant valley
Under the swimming barley tides
Back to the bar where I see myself on the barrel seat
Decomposing into the most fundamental form
Of evanescent happiness
And alcoholism
Last edited by motimon3 at Apr 5, 2011,
#2
Quite a romantic ode to alcohol

One thing in rereading this, is that I would put more distance between those two uses of the word "battlefield." Maybe change the second one just to "battle" it kinda throws off the flow of things. It's a bit of a cumbersome word.

Another thing is I couldn't really find your position on it. Clearly, you enjoy the alcohol and you go in depth describing it pretty uniquely (I think you'd like the lyrics to "Stella" by All Time Low haha) but I guess the "realest" part was in the second stanza, where you admitted it was hurting you.

Great ending too. I love the line "Under the swimming barley tides." It just rolls out quite nicely. From there on is a solid ending. Good work.
#3
take out "on the battlefield" in the second stanza. it doesn't belong.
other than that neat little booze poem with a possible Halo reference?
I want Super Saiyan abilities
#4
"There is no such joy in the tavern, as upon the road thereto." eh? Well I like it I can appreciate a good dinking song, if this is a song. I certainly know the duality in it, it is something I myself have written about. I must admit I'm curious about what this mix is, and 'pink elephant valley.'
I am also curious about where your stance is. I think if you choose to remove 'battlefield' you shoould use 'field' rather than 'battle.' Though the line should stay, 'I deliberately place myself' is strong.
'Are supreme over me' sounds odd to me, I might change that.
Overall well done.
#5
thanks a lot for the critiques and pointing out the repetition of the word battlefield..didn't notice it earlier :/

@blake1221 hmm i was trying to show that (you got it) i enjoy the alcohol but it is also hurting me, in the first and second stanza. where i am also in a sober state. and in the third after the pause indicated by the hyphens, i am in a more drunken and dreamy state. thats why i added more imagery to the third stanza to show that.
oh i just heard stella its awesome sad lyrics to a somewhat happy tune

@rebelmidget nope i don't know anything about Halo..o.O but i've played it before

@toadvine nope this is a poem. the mix is in the first line, its just beer and its foam. foam comes with beer but it is a mix to me because of the different texture and form. the beer is Starker you should try it if your a beer fan and seeing pink elephants is a euphemism for drunken hallucination