#1
crit4crit
SWEET DREAM LULLABY

Sweet dreams but there is nothing
Sweeter than yourself,
I hope you never get sick my love
I hope you're always in high health.
But if you ever feel down
I would find a way to cure it,
Spend my last dime on you
'Cause you keep me rich in spirit.

Good night my little angel
With a lullaby I hope you sing to me,
'Cause your voice puts my life and my dreams
Into perfect harmony.

Cut bruise or burn
I will always kiss it,
If I had a magic genie
I would give you all three wishes.
Anything you ever want of me
I swear it will be done,
Not a night shall ever pass
That you are not swaddled in love.

Good night my little angel
With a lullaby I hope you sing to me,
'Cause your voice puts my life and my dreams
Into perfect harmony.
Last edited by themarsvolta at Mar 24, 2011,
#2
It's really sweet, I especially like the word swaddled, seems a little melodramatic for the piece, but it stands out.

The chorus

"Good night my little angel
With a lullaby I hope you sing to me,
'Cause your voice puts my life and my dreams
Into perfect harmony."

Is really, really good. I imagine it being the chorus since it's repeated but, it's your poem/song.

I couldn't imagine anything else making this better. The lack of rhyme in the verse doesn't take away the meaning, so that works. And the chorus being the part to rhyme really sets it apart.
Poop.


Yes, poop.
#3
You know I'm envious of those who can write like this. Sweet and sincere, without being lame, enjoyable for all. I can't do it. I just got done reading another poem and it was great, bit too abrasive for me, so it's nice to read this directly after. Other than that I got nothing to say, I believe you accomplished what you intended. Well done.
#4
I find this to be a really cheesy love song, sweet but nothing really lets it stand out too much
#5
Simple and really sweet and sincere. I really liked this.

"Spent my last dime on you/'cause you keep me rich in spirit" that was really clever and a line like that in this kind of poem or song can really sell it. It shows the writer has something more to offer, but can hold it all down just to keep it simple, and sweet like I said earlier. So good job there.

Very nice man
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1424328 is my most recent, if you'd like to crit back.