#1
maybe i just never noticed
how unsatisfied we all may be
however;
we can not blame it on ourselves
but on the litter dropped from
planned obsolescence, pure destruction
of our completely functional
God given appearance
and tendency towards
manufactured cliffs
steeped more often
than tea
the all natural kind that
comes wrapped individually
in a box of one hundred
that goes for two ninety two
in the grocery aisle
where i wanted to die.

but once i got to the deli
yusef grabbed my ear
he was handing out pamphlets
on the wickedness of pork
and goodness of prayer
so we wandered off to a mosque
where he helped wash my hands
and said i should grow my facial hair
i returned twice a day
and faced the east three more times
before heading to bed
i sold everything i had
and started eating flat pieces of bread
hoping that allah would enlighten me
in some terrific way
then i realized that we're just like
the microwaves designed to fail

all of us will soon expire, one way or another
then some man my age will again come along
hornier than hell looking to make a girl a mother
because we all keep chasing
to keep on making
the things that are made for breaking.
Quote by ottoavist

i suppose there's a chance
i'm just a litte too shallow to consider
that maybe i've been a little more eager
each day to wake up and take a shower
brush my teeth and smile for the mirror
Last edited by freshtunes at Mar 22, 2011,
#2
great idea, needs better transitions between thoughts.

also: we have only ourselves to blame
I want Super Saiyan abilities
#3
I ADORE the amount of stylistic confidence you exude in this piece- I can tell you are a strong writer. very bukowski, but not dangerously so. my only gripe is that it slips a bit in sections, but its not immeditately noticable. this is fluid and solid at the same time; a great example of the poem being greater than the sum of its parts. wonderful imagery- raw without being cliche or too open. well done. i look forward to seeing your work.
#4
I agree with Sticky Tissues, this piece really fluctuated. I was really into some parts and then would stumble a bit over a couple awkward lines that felt like they just weren't really thought through ("steeped more often than tea", "hoping that allah would enlighten me in some terrific way"). This is definitely headed in the right direction, though... Clean it up a bit and keep on writing.

Last.fm


"Art is always and everywhere the secret confession, and at the same time the immortal movement of its time."


#6
this was total free flow with one idea. i haven't really written anything in the last year. eventually i'll go back and do some editing. thanks for taking the time to read it, hook me up with some links, and i'll be sure to get back to you asap.
Quote by ottoavist

i suppose there's a chance
i'm just a litte too shallow to consider
that maybe i've been a little more eager
each day to wake up and take a shower
brush my teeth and smile for the mirror
#8
this touched on something elusive... i really liked it. sorry i don't have more for you than that.
#11
Quote by freshtunes
this was total free flow with one idea. i haven't really written anything in the last year.



Thats a shame, I look forward to reading your work, its always a great read.
#12
Bukowski i probably yur favourite writer but I, personally, haven't spotted anything that I would deem "this was influenced by Bukowski". This piece, as a whole, wa built quite well. But, I didn't like the last four lines at all.
#13
That's funny, the last four are my favorite. I hate fiction, therefore, have never read Bukowski. I'd probably be more interested in reading a biography then his work. The only fiction I enjoy is the New Testament.
Quote by ottoavist

i suppose there's a chance
i'm just a litte too shallow to consider
that maybe i've been a little more eager
each day to wake up and take a shower
brush my teeth and smile for the mirror