#1
Today
I learned to paint

I got the rollers out, stirred the can
Grandpa yelled advice from the other room,
So I stirred it twice, just to be sure.
He entered in an old paint-stained sweater,
Grabbed a tray, filled it,
And urged me to do the same.

He grabbed a ladder, and I another.
We shut the door and painted the fuck out of that room.
Ceiling to floor, all four walls,
Moldings, window sills, crowns and all
Were primed, colored, dried and admired.

I got more advice as the day passed
About keeping the brushes, sealing the cans,
Proper pressure, good amounts, enough cover,
What to do with the money he was paying me,
What to do in my life when I finally made it,
That I should really know the girl I marry,
And maybe, someday, fifty years after vows,
I could sit and argue about Northern California rivers,
Hassle with her until the map was dragged from the drawer,
And not be agitated about being wrong.

Less and less we talked about painting
As the fumes filled the room.
(We were probably high; my head sure aches that way)
And as we finished, cleaned up,
Opened the windows and doors to let it all dry,
Sat down, ate dinner, watched Alistair Cooke,
I realized that something incredible had happened.
I’d walked in to paint as a man, nothing more,
And emerged something else entirely.

Yesterday I may have been a carpenter,
Maybe tomorrow I’ll learn roofing,
But today,

Today, I am a painter.
Last edited by halo43 at Mar 23, 2011,
#3
I like it a lot. I think you meant "paint" rather than "pain" in the second to last line of the fifth verse.

I also find the use of profanity rather out of place, personally. Great job
#4
I also found the use of profanity a little unnecessary, but this was good overall. The fourth and fifth stanzas were my favourite part and I feel like they really carried the poem.... I wasn't big on the part: "Yesterday I may have been a carpenter,
Maybe to morrow I’ll learn roofing,
But today,

Today, I am a painter."

Honestly, I'd cut this out completely and end the piece on the line "I’d walked in to pain as a man, nothing more,
And emerged something else entirely."

Great work overall, though.

Last.fm


"Art is always and everywhere the secret confession, and at the same time the immortal movement of its time."


#5
This was really funny. i do mainly shit work, like sanding or working the caulk and puddy, but yesterday, i was a painter. I still do carpentry, but i was once a roofer. All of these jobs you think would be difficult. But overall, their just painstakingly scrupulous. But anyway, loved the piece. It was funny to the point that i thought a comic wrote it. Like it was in his normal "Working" voice. 2 kudos. Peace.
#6
This was lovely and I like it a lot. I think it could do with a tone or two borrowed from Bradbury's poetry, but that's just my prejudice for these kinds of themes.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#7
Wow I enjoyed this alot, I had a smile on my face right from the start. Easily relatable, easily understood, overall enjoyable.
As for the profanity I agree more or less. Either run with it or let it go completely, or I 'spose you could tame it a tad. Maybe use 'hell.'
#9
I liked it, the way you used an average speaking tone was a nice change to what I've been reading lately.
I'm usually not the biggest fan of curse words in poetry, but in this case it sort of locked me into the poem after a slow start that made me feel like dropping it.

I found the
'Moldings, window sills, crowns and all
Were primed, colored, dried and admired.'
line break a little awkward, but the idea of this poem and the way it was written made it an understandable, light, and very enjoyable read =)
#11
That's how it turns out I didn't do a crit yet, because after reading your other stuff, I couldn't tell if this was you at your most serious or what have you.

It's not bad at all, just a really warm retelling of a day spent doing work with your grandfather. I used to fix up my house in Maryland with my dad, so this hits a nice little nostalgic note. I can never seem to hit that note, but you sure did here.

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1424328 if you'd like to crit back.