#1
shitted shifting throughout a sentimental sky
in a congested cloud we’ve found digested souls
swallowed whole by a paper earth
the answers provided, empowered in suggestion
for the many times lived and the fewer times we’ve died
wrap our bodies, we’re being prepared for another life
(as if feather boats could carry our Form that far)
caught between blind architects
merely informed of a greater design
stripped to their essential elements
in fault they Combine-
someday I’ll find slumber somewhere stable
beneath the stamping above
and the phoenix beneath;
bored to be reborn-
a sundown on the up and up
but as the moon is rolled away
we find the second son resting
in public display—
as jesus hangs his head in shame
we’ll be christened with a hangover
and be blessed in new brand-names.

and while the incense is whittled clean
we learn to drown in an oil spill of cellophane
a vision of the future we could never see through-/
(so I suppose I’ll leave that up to you.)

one way or another
we just might destroy each other.
#3
Quote by rd93
Don't like "shitted shifting", it doesn't give me a clear image. Other than that, this is great as usual.


it was actually the first image that came into my mind and the rest of the poem followed as a stream of consciousness type thing- it was really visceral and its tough to explain any further than what I said- shitted, its being excreted, pushed out, and it shifts as it does- what we thought was waste turned out to be what we didn't need/use. and I like how it sounds. a spiral. I appreciate the comment though.
#4
Maybe a comma between them would help. I don't know; when I read it I had to go back and re-read it and try to create that image in my head. It's probably fine. Also, how did you make that hyphen after "display"? I use that a lot but I don't think I have one on my keyboard so I use a regular dash. Is there a button for it?
#5
Quote by rd93
Maybe a comma between them would help. I don't know; when I read it I had to go back and re-read it and try to create that image in my head. It's probably fine. Also, how did you make that hyphen after "display"? I use that a lot but I don't think I have one on my keyboard so I use a regular dash. Is there a button for it?


actually, I think a comma will fit quite nicely. Thanks

and I'm not sure- I adore dashes so sometimes its an accident. on my microsoft word what happens is I'll put two dashes like this -- and they will just be autocorrected into a long one. I love them too.

anything in particular you'd like me to look at?
#7
Quote by rd93
Ah my Word does that too, it never occurred to me to write things in word! Thanks

As for the c4c, my most recent is "in-". It's more of a feeling that I needed to alleviate than a poem but you can look at it if you like; it's in my sig. I might write something soon though.


I'll wait for an rd93 fully approved piece first, to give my full attention to. looking forward to it.