#1
first, a backstory. i had this girlfriend, but i ****ed the girl this song is about. took her virginity. i broke up with my girlfriend at the time, but never dated the girl i had sex with due to moral qualms about how i didnt want to cheat on her. So she got a new boyfriend, and I wrote her this song. Thoughts?:

"Lay and Lie"

I'll try to write the lyrics
But words will never come.
Just like an Xbox joystick,
Here I am under your thumb.
And when I said I loved you,
And looked into your eyes,
You know that you can't feel like this
With any other guys.

Or maybe.
You can.

So you've moved on and so have I.
**** the memories, lay and lie.
You say I've hurt you, now you're numb,
It's over now, because I'm dumb.

I see you across the road,
You're holding hand with him.
Every part of our love,
Fades from bright to dim.
On a cool, crisp night I took from you
Something sacred and pure
We've got a bond that can't break down
Of this I'm pretty sure.

Or maybe.
It can.

Someone new who isn't me,
I had you then, now so can he.
I don't care, just like I won't cry,
And just like the first time, that was a lie.
#2
Holy hell, I thought this had a pop/punk (not really my thing) kinda feel to it, so I decided to look up your taste. I saw you were from Moline, which is like 15 miles from me. In fact the poem I just put up ten minutes ago takes place in Moline on East 80 (East 81 in the poem). Well I thought it was funny, anyway on to some sort of worthwhile critique, because I feel the need to help out a fellow QCer.
Okay personally I think this OK not great, but could easily find myself singing without knowing the melody.
First line I think I would sound better than 'I'll', and 'hand' should be hands
It's kinda hard for me to get a grasp on your rhyming scheme, and it seems a bit too simple. Your explanation at the top was more interesting than the song itself, this shouldn't be the case. Go through the lines make it more personal, make me see what you said in the begining without having to explain it. And the profanity in the chorus might be better left out, if you don't have great lyrics around then it's just shock value and doesn't hold any water. I love the Xbox line, it says something about you, and paints a picture. But too many yous, hims, and hes, and lose who and why. But keep it up, and write everday.
#3
Convey the back story through the song, and it'd be a hell of a lot better. Good start though, the rhyme scheme came across as a bit juvenile though.
#4
Working on a rewrite as we speak. Thanks for the feedback. Toadvine, what city are you from?