#1
My first poem (as in not written to music). Since started reading here recently I have read lots of fanastic poems so I thought I would try my hand at one.

I'm driving alone, swallowing whole East 81
Flushed tips casually sway the wheel
Glimpses arrest phantom shapes, cucumber magnolia, bald cypress
An aspen hightails it, another appears
Exposing copious windows of the muddy behemoth portside
Forging opposite, bending strong, and bouncing off lunar apatites

Though I am far removed from this grandness
Enwove in thoughts of sapphire beams, sugar Grey Goose glossed grins
Grabbed me firmly, her voice of wet mortar slathered
"You should smile more"
Her rolling head let bleached tangles fall over swine invoking hoops, a conspicuous blessing
Used? Maybe. . . could still find worth in pursuing such gambles

Apparition flies through headlights, ghostly brilliance and gone
A moment frozen with unnraveling nerves, and I'm slammed back in the present
Always more than one, instinctual tap, backtrack floods crimson
Majestic bolt sucked into the quartz, cervidae's siren song
Blasted electric buckshot dances through my cranium
Tore, chewed, spit, vanished, limp muscles, rotating shredded torso
Flying still, absent the grace once held in it's own accord
Too stupid calm to swerve, maybe I'm just lucky

Foot slides back in line
Seventy miles an hour refuses the bumper's abandonment
Slower still than jackhammer tango inside my chest
Porcelain knobs locked like seized bolts stripped by wrench's torque
Fully awoken to the predacious beast I wield
Breathe resurges avenging lost ground
Shaking like an old diesel engine
Still here
Bowels intact
Unlike the deer. . .

. . . I'll clean the shit off in the morning.


I tell you hitting a deer after leaving a club is a jarring, horrifyng experiance. I didn't end up with what I wanted here. Too long, but I wanted to include lots of color and my personal experiance. I think it could be good, but it's not quite there. Let me know what you think.
Last edited by Toadvine at Apr 3, 2011,
#2
I have to say that I really enjoyed reading this. Lots of great imagery and you set up the scenery very well. There were a few lines that I think take away from the piece however. "grabbed my ass", "bowels intact", and "clean this shit off..." in my opinion all take away from the eloquent tone of the piece. Other than that, I loved this. Sorry for the lame crit, but there isn't much I would change.

Crit mine please
Sweet Dream Lullaby
#3
I agree with themarsvolta. Also there were some parts that I felt unnecessary, like "Unnerved / Register". I suggest you re-read it and try to determine what advances the piece and what doesn't.

"Porcelin" should be "Porcelain", "flys" should be "flies", "wrenche's" should be "wrench's".

If you want to use lots of color, go for it. Use more of those words like "sapphire" and "Grey Goose".

Some of the imagery is too convoluted. Take this line, for example:

Forging opposite bending strong, bouncing lunar apatites


You should probably put a comma after "opposite", but either way I can't tell what you're talking about. The only noun in this line is "apatites" (which is a mineral, by the way, just in case you meant "appetite"), so there's nothing to attach those first four words to. You don't have to look at every word as a part of speech, but you should re-read your lines and make sure a first-time reader doesn't get confused.

Rolled head let tangles fall over swine invoking hoops, a conspicuous blessing
Used? Maybe. . . could still find worth in pursuing such gambles


You could also use more punctuation. That first line is just word after word with no immediate connections to each other; it doesn't make much sense. The second line, I feel, is incomplete. Who could still find worth? Me? You? The other person in the car?

Overall, this wasn't bad, but it was over-written, to put it simply. There are too many images with not enough information.
#4
Thanks for the crit folks

@themarsvolta It's only meant to be eloquent, in a the first and part of the second stanza. Then it all turns chaotic and violent, much as the actual incident.
1st stanza: what's going on around me: calm drive moonlight river
2nd stanza: what's in my head: crude blonde at the bar
3rd stanza: what happens: Boom deer (I admit I miss the intensity here)
4th stanza: aftermath & thoughts: shaken but alive
I agree about the 'grab my ass', but then I found it a crude, and vulgar move. Simple, direct and true, so that's how I phrased it. I may change it, but it'll have to stay until I have a better idea. I'll crit yours though I might have nothing to add, I'll try.
@rd93 Spelling mistakes how embarrasing lol. Punctuation is tough for me, I know it's needed, but I hate it mucking up the scenery. Since I'm new to poetry I haven't found my own style yet. But I did edit this a bit for now.
I also hated unnerved and register, but I needed that confused milisecond between the first and second deer, I had one, so should the reader. Suggestions?
'Muddy behemoth forging opposite. . .' The Mississippi beside me flowing the other way.
'Lunar apatites' moonlight shimmering off the river, apatites had the required color and luster, I realized this might be confusing which is why, I used 'sapphire' instead of azure and 'quartz' instead of headlight. Probably pointless, also used 'hightails' as a foreshadow for 'whitetail' eh? eh? Yes very silly I guess.
'Rolled head. . .' Her hair fell over awful earings. 'A beautiful women without good sense is like a golden ring in a pig's snout.' Proverbs. You're right it's all bit confusing. But then I find most of them a bit confusing. I added alone to the first line hopefully it'll clear up the other line.
Also don't like 'electric buckshot' emotional buckshot might be better, but don't like that either.
This was extremely helpful. Thank you very much.