#1
the morning moon looms
over streets paved in consciousness
the sleepers roam to work
this time last year
I watched them all burn
in an oil fire at the back of my mind
pondering the fourth reich
a slaughter of the unaware
antibiotics for an ailing plane

visor pushed left
shielding my gift from it's creator
I munch on a logo
feeling guilt free

their time is coming
as mine will too
I'm ready for both
only now I realize
I am no decider
just a thought soon forgotten
only to be recalled when there's a use
I want Super Saiyan abilities
Last edited by rebelmidget at Mar 24, 2011,
#2
This seems very confusing to me, honestly, I don't really understand it completely.

But, I do really like the first stanza, since it's really the only one that makes sense to me, the imagery is excellent, I can almost picture the cold morning air nip at my nose and mouth kind of thing.

Maybe explain it to me?
Poop.


Yes, poop.
#4
Overall I liked this.

It has a good descriptive start, 'moon over the streets', but then were two lines, well more like four words, that confused me a bit. 'Consciousness' then immediately 'Sleepers' and then 'Slaughter' right before 'antibiotics'.

I'm also wondering about the 'Shielding my gift' line, but I'm sure you know what you had in mind.

The rest of it was fine. I liked it.
"Pain or damage don't end the world nor despair, nor fuckin' beatings. The world ends when you're dead, until then you have more punishment in store. Stand it like a man, and give some back."
#5
ok, didn't want to do this because it really shouldn't need to be explained (i think it's clear, just requires some thought)

I wrote it fromy car in a parking lot before work. the way the moon hung reminded me of a day a year back when I was living in my car and at the peak of my cynicism and misfortune.
the gift is sight, creator is the sun.
the last stanza is my current view
or the view of yesterday morning anyway

i'll crit some peoples after work
peace
I want Super Saiyan abilities