#1
It is the same as it ever was. The primitive vision,
of our origins, project into the afterlife:
Africa, Haiti, England and so on.
It has been a long time since I have felt compassion -
I scrounged tirelessly for it, until I fell into a trance,
in the slum that inhabited the frail moaners.

I remember it now - the odour of the ragged moaners
that consumed and scrutinised the vision
of a lone voice. There is no origin, no trance,
for me to find myself in. Oh afterlife -
this land doesn’t mend very well - where’s your compassion?
Ah, an astral plain, yes, for me to follow, yes (and so on.)

No. I don’t know what I want. The dominion
of a warrior or a moaner -
without forsaking the notion of an afterlife -
assassinates the realm of my visions.
The humanised vacuum says: “long gone are the days of human compassion.
That’s why you will not survive; you will forever remain in a trance...”

I chose to remain in the light, in order to culminate my trance.
I can no longer recognise any of the carcasses on
the asphalt that leads to the formless afterlife,
where a voice - without a face - shouts: “let the moaners
gather”, in an obtuse manner - comparable, only, to the visions
from a soothsayer - void of any compassion.

The apparition of my father’s house exudes no compassion,
instead, it just lingers over the chambers that resemble a degraded trance.
The eyes of fate, that I once inherited, now envisions
the crow that perches pompously on
the boundless arch that towers above the moaners
that were scattered from the distant afterlife.

I will meet my deeds in the afterlife
like a carrion detached from the realm of compassion:
we must love one another or rot like the moaners.
To tell the truth, a fool only hears once; it is the trance
that defines the state of dispersal on
the land that controls all secular visions.

There are no more moaners to conceal in the afterlife.
the perpetual visions, that once preyed on my mind, remain unrelenting;
the damage is done. Trance and worldly compassion possessed the zeitgeist.
Last edited by Bleed Away at Mar 29, 2011,
#3
My first impression is that you thought to yourself,
"Okay, the main themes of this piece are the moaners, the afterlife, compassion, and visions.
That means that every stanza has to be somehow built around those words."
Now, I'm not saying that that's a big criticism, because those stanzas were all built very well, that's just what I saw. Actually, you probably did it on purpose, because you don't seem like you'd do that accidentally. Symbolically, the repetition was nice, but aesthetically, I didn't care for it. It would sort of snap me out of the place that this piece took me to when I would say,
"Hey, those words look awfully familiar..."
Other than that, though, this was really good. It had a nice epic feel to it, just the way it was phrased at first.
Good job
#4
At first I didn't like the way you included the words "afterlife" "moaners" "trance" and "compassion" in every stanza, but after reading this over a couple times, it actually works. This piece has a unique feel to it and was fun to read, but I feel like the construction and aesthetic of it muddied the meaning/symbolism you were going for... That being said it is very well-written and definitely worth more than one read over.

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"Art is always and everywhere the secret confession, and at the same time the immortal movement of its time."


#5
As with your previous piece, you've nailed the atmosphere. You have a way with language where you can dramatize a subject without it sounding melodramatic or out-of-place. This piece's subject matter deserves that dramatic feel and the setting in which you explore it facilitates that beautifully.

I enjoyed how you added some details to some of the symbolism of your first piece. We learn more about the "carcasses on the land where [your] table sojourned upon" as well as about the "carrion crows". And more about this idea of "concealment". The recurrence of these symbols and themes strengthens this series, I think.

As for the repetition, I think it worked in most places but in others I don't. You start off the piece by saying "It was the same as it ever was" which lends creedence to how in every stanza you use the same group of words. It also plays into the idea of being in a trance: the constant, unceasing repetition. I enjoyed that aspect of it very much. And for the most part whenever you used one of those words, it added something to the piece for me, it gave the word greater meaning. But in other instances, I felt like the word was thrown in there just for repetition's sake. For example, phrases like "dominion of a warrior or a moaner" and 'resembled a degraded trance" I think could've been rephrased with different words to give them greater meaning. Of course, as the poet, you are in full control of knowing what words mean what to you. It's very well possible that I completely missed their significance. But as a general suggestion, I just hope that those repeating words are used each and every time with purpose, and not just solely for repetition's sake.

But I really, really enjoy where this is going. The atmosphere of it is enthralling and its thematic elements are starting to shine through as well.
here, My Dear, here it is
#6
Thank you all, not only for reading but for the elaborate critiques; I really, really do appreciate it. I understand what all of you are saying about the repetition, and the actual reason for the repeptition was because I was trying my best to write a sestina - something I had never done 'til now. It was definitely a hard process for me to do; I nearly scrapped the whole idea!
Ryan, you are definitely right about some word's being thrown in there for repetition's sake - that was a problem I was having for a while. Although, the words that I chose to repeat where definitely the most important; they weren't meaningless. I spent a long time making sure they weren't. But, if I wasn't writing in form, I would have used different words.

rd93 - It was 'plains' that I meant, although, originally, I did use 'planes'. That line is probably the bizarrest line I have ever written.

I will get to your last two pieces soon, Ryan
Last edited by Bleed Away at Apr 2, 2011,