Rocks ur Life
UG's *something clever*
Join date: Jan 2009
575 IQ
#1
A glint of sunshine in the distance
Of the tundra of my heart. Your shimmering
soul crosses the pathways of my brain
rearranging them to say, "You're Mine"

Your love is a ray of hope;
A sign of my home in this barren wasteland.
I Waited and I bled for you
But your heart just can't take it.

I call your name
And I see you in my dreams
But sometimes
I doubt you even feel the same.


I am writing a song for a Post-Hardcore (La Dispute style) demo i'm putting out. How are these lyrics? They are improved versions of a song I had but never posted.
DanyullS
Now in 15 flavors!
Join date: Aug 2010
246 IQ
#2
This seemed to me like something of a dream that everyone has eventually of something they want but can't have. The second stanza was my favorite, particularly the third line. I'd love to hear it when you finish it.
21wickwing
wick2107
Join date: Feb 2009
1,487 IQ
#4
Yeah I concur with the previous guy...this was a nice little piece. I enjoyed reading, re-reading, and re-re-reading it. Well done kind sir.

Edit: Although I think it is solid as it is, I would like to see how this is with maybe 3 or 4 verses added onto it...I would try to add onto it and then if they ruin it then take em off cause this is fine, but if its better then keep em. I do this all the time.
Last edited by 21wickwing at Apr 1, 2011,
punkforlife93
Call me Jed.
Join date: Nov 2007
2,405 IQ
#6
Your username looks really familiar...you in the PP&E or Hardcore forum much? That said, I love La Dispute, so props for that.

For the most part this would work as a song, so I could leave it at that...as a piece of poetry, the flow is eh. But songs can make almost anything work, so I can't criticize that too harshly. In the first bit, "of the tundra of my heart" sounds awkward, need to work that out perhaps...but besides that? Solid as a song, dude.