#2
it's kind of creepy, the imagery sounded like 2 people were having crazy sex or something. Anyway, tis interesting.
Quote by willT08
Quote by HowSoonisNow
How was Confucius death metal?
You've clearly never read any Confuscius.

As I wait on the edge of the earth,
I can see the walls being torn down again
Only to be rebuilt in another name,
On a different day
#5
Quote by littledude65
I could think of a few words that would've fit there, so I just left it blank, ahah



I know how it feels

I didn't like the word 'patronize', it doesn't really fit, I really dug the line breaks and the last line 'affection' was a great touch This wa a great read.

I don't have anything more to add really, so I will have to look into your other stuff in order to get a descent critique out.
#6
Quote by littledude65
Grab her
hair
and don't
let - -

I like the super steep enjambment. It works, and the word as line works here too. It almost has a Vanguard quality to it, the way the whole poem works from top to bottom. Hair-eyes-fingers...The dashes are very interesting too, like one-upping Dickinson. I'm not sure what the intention of them was, but I can imagine a lot of potential reasons, which I think is good, as a formally productive maneuver, that is, the dashes at the end lines.

Quote by littledude65
spin the bitterness of
remorse -
and bemusement -
around her eyes
and through
her curls,

Good blend of words here, I suppose. Not sure how I feel about spinning things around eyes, or through anything, but the verb choice works. I think you could probably improve it though. Maybe something that brings us back to the hair, or foreshadows the nails. "Brush the bitterness" "scratch the bitterness" ????
Quote by littledude65
and then
with fingers of hate
and nails of stone
crucify her on a
wall
of patronized
affection

Ultimately, I think the poem is not fully developed. I am not sure if this is a creepy verbal artifact of adoration or a break-up or what. But I think it is a success. Maybe expanding it, I think if you were coming back to do a serious edit, you might want to think about the intentions of the steep enjambment and the dashes (especially the double dash) and then formalize them more in the poem. Not necessarily strict formalization, but to deliberately employ them with more purpose. I think the staccato of the short lines really mimes the feeling of the content, the quick rapid thought of that ever-present "her"

Anyway good job.

Edit:

Quote by littledude65
I could think of a few words that would've fit there, so I just left it blank, ahah



Ah, nice. If you check out my poem that I just posted, I would advise you to read the truncated and indented lines, not merely as that, but as spaces for potential language that is not present.
Last edited by DorkusMalorkus at Mar 26, 2011,