#1
I can no longer see myself
I'm a reflection in the glass
A fleeing vision in the periphery

And so I smash my head against the wall
Pitter, patter red raindrops fall
but they make no discernable
mark upon the ground
I cry distraught into my own arms
hoping for some cotton comfort
When I see my tears have soaked
into the comfortless void
without a trace

I leave no mark wherever I go, I am an ephemeral shadow,
on the run from the sun without a place to go
What is a shadow's shadow?
What gets left behind him when he's gone?
I just don't know.

What if when I go, even I don't notice
because when I look back
even I can't see myself in what I've done

And so I pound the ground with all my might
but I cannot seem to leave any impression
on this dirt so cold
But who am I to expect this much
what have I done to deserve any legacy at all?

I just don't know.
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I had two lines (the smash my head against the wall/pitter patter raindrops fall) on my phone from a while ago (thanks Blake1221 for reminding me that they were there) and while I was originally thinking of frustration when I thought of those lines, when I reread them I saw more, and so I quickly wrote this.

Opinions?
Last edited by trueamerican at Jun 20, 2011,
#2
A shadow's shadow is a whisper with no discernible origin

Quite enjoyed, though I felt some of the linebreaks were off, as in they were longer sentences that may have done better staying whole than being diced up, but nothing that really detracts from this bit.

The repetition of that stanza is something I'm on the fence about. I'm not partial to repetition unless it's a fantastic section (which yours really wasn't), however if you were to take out either at this point, it would definitely impact negatively (which it would... terribly...).

I also think that a lot of questions are raised that could do with more explanation. Plus, the only one you really got to was answered with an I don't know, which leaves me wanting.

Kinda just sorta realized it's OTS, BUT THAT'S NO EXCUSE FOR LACKING AWESOME. Go practice and edit more to be more awesome. I expect an increase of 3 awesome units the next time I see you.
#3
I'm still deciding if this is a song or a poem. Not sure I have a melody for it, which I like, so why can't it be both?

And the point was nothing. Nothing is left behind. It's an existential piece about futility, or at least I had rather hoped it was

And about the shorter lines, I notice that I do that a lot in choruses.... I don't know why. But you're right.

I'll work on it, but I can't guarantee an increase of three awesome units, as it's a pretty tall order for a n00b like me (and I have no frame of reference for an awesome unit).

#5
I came back and read this several times, because I really enjoyed it. My only problem is the first line, which obviously sets up the whole thing.

'I can no longer see myslef' but then, you describe the reflections, and visions, and things you see yourself doing, the blood, tears and so on. So maybe it's more like you can barely see yourself, or you are fading fast, or something I don't know. I would like a stronger statement, for the first line. I'm sure you can describe, you're a far better writer than I.

Personally I think most choruses should be shorter, that is if you want people to like them. Not everybody that enjoys music critiques poetry.

Also I think you can leave out the 'When' and just say ' I see my tears have soaked', but that's really nit-pickin', and maybe it's best left in.

Good stuff, I'd love to hear this as a song, what's the genre or tone?
"Pain or damage don't end the world nor despair, nor fuckin' beatings. The world ends when you're dead, until then you have more punishment in store. Stand it like a man, and give some back."
#6
The point is that I can't see myself, all I can see are projections/reflections of me. I'll think that one over.

I'm still not sure if this is a song of a poem, and I forgot the melody as soon as I came up with it as I am wont to do

But it'd probably be a forlorn, regretful acoustic piece, or a soft, clean electric guitar piece. No bass, no drums, maybe an added guitar layer, but I like it best as a simple acoustic song. If only I could play and sing at the same time.

EDIT: what do you want me to crit?
Last edited by trueamerican at Mar 26, 2011,
#7
I was able to understand and connect with what you were trying to say here, but felt like you used a few cliché phrases and unnecessarily verbose word choice and it threw off the linguistic aesthetic of the piece a bit. Phrases like "And so I smash my head against the wall/Pitter, patter red raindrops fall" and "on this earth I call my home" just feel tired and don't really say anything in a unique way. Your writing is good otherwise, I would just recommend you try and develop a unique, original voice. Keep on writing.

Last.fm


"Art is always and everywhere the secret confession, and at the same time the immortal movement of its time."


#8
You're right. The "earth I call my home" is absolutely a cliche and was kind of a throwaway line. I'm working on a new one.

But the smash my head against the wall thing was something I thought of on my own and I liked it. But to each their own. What do you want me to crit?

EDIT: I changed the "on this earth..." line, but it's not really that much better. Still workin' on it.
Last edited by trueamerican at Mar 27, 2011,
#9
Quote by trueamerican
You're right. The "earth I call my home" is absolutely a cliche and was kind of a throwaway line. I'm working on a new one.

But the smash my head against the wall thing was something I thought of on my own and I liked it. But to each their own. What do you want me to crit?

EDIT: I changed the "on this earth..." line, but it's not really that much better. Still workin' on it.


Yeah, I just realized this was done on the spot so that considered it's definitely a good start. Just keep revising. Revision is essential to becoming a better writer. If you have any feedback for this I'd appreciate it.
Last.fm


"Art is always and everywhere the secret confession, and at the same time the immortal movement of its time."


#10
I enjoyed this, just because of the natural thought pattern it had. It felt like an honest musing of what you think of yourself, rather than another poem. It's definitely not perfect, but our thoughts aren't, which gives it reality. Yay.

I'm with halo43 on the repeat stanza, I think it'd be better without it.
I cry distraught into my own arms/hoping for some cotton comfort/When I see my tears have soaked/into the comfortless void/without a trace
I'm not sure how I feel about these lines here, they don't seem to strike me right. Maybe a bit too self indulgent, but meh. If you like them, I say leave them.
And so I pound the ground with all my might/but I cannot seem to leave any impression/on this dirt so cold, in this place I'm so alone/But who am I to expect this much/what have I done to deserve any legacy at all?

I really liked this part, but it flowed a little haphazardly. If you could refine a way of getting across the bolded section, I think that would really help.
If you've never listened to the song, check out Sowing Season by Brand New while looking at the lyrics. There's a similar line, and this really reminded me of it. A good thing.
"In this place I'm so alone" doesn't really add anything to the coming part, and your loneliness is already illustrated with previous words, so it's a bit redundant. What follows after that though was really impressive. Very introspective and a unique spin on things, so I liked that very much.

I also think that the fourth stanza could be dropped, but if it means something to you keep it.

Good work man, keep writing. 3 more awesome units are expected next time.
#11
"This place so alone" is still a throwaway. I'm working on a better line. I like the fourth stanza, but I dropped the repeat.

I really like this piece, and want to finish, but I kinda such at revisions there's something about proofreading a piece you wrote. Now, I'm usually very honest with myself about these things, but when there's a piece I write that I REALLY, REALLY like (which is very rare) I just can't be very objective about it.