#1
An Ocean Stricken Submarine Cage

We're gettin' closer
to the bottom of the coral sea
where we'll be free
and down there's my new home
wont you please stay with me
beneath the waves

We're gettin older
'till we're as old as we can be
natures destiny
but theres a tombstone by
the room with the iron door
please don't go in there

I'm so easy
you could play me like a fool
a complete stool
the rules are on the back of my head
and the disc is in my lower cheeks
does that amuse you?

We're two runaways from marki
taking care of ourselves
in an ocean stricken submarine cage

Is there a reason
I aint here my self?
your in working health
while all I am is a bit of a mess
I'm a bone in a slab of wood
and your with me

So until I see you
in the arms of another man
we can stick to my plan
the plan to stay buried in rain
in the oceon bed here with you
almost happy

Can't you hear them?
on the fright train to berlin
i doubt we're gonna win
cause we're in the firing line
so we're gonna hide while we can
but its not easy

We're two runaways from marki
taking care of ourselves
in an oceon stricken submarine cage

To my daughters
I leave you each thirty grand
buried in the sand
it wont take too long
to find if you use the map
below the curtain

We're two runaways from marki
taking care of ourselves
in an oceon stricken submarine cage
Last edited by Alkaline 64 at Mar 29, 2011,
#2
Hi, sorry it's taken me so long to reply, but I've been sick. Anyways...

I really dig the imagery this presents. Very eerie, yet almost peaceful in some sort of way. the only I'll complain about is the word ain't, but I'd say the inclusion is a syllable choice, although it does fit the voice of the character. I just hate that word, so don't look too far into it.

So my only real suggestion is to remove the last chorus. I think it would end much better with the "legacy" stanza. It works either way, but I think it would be more powerful without the last chorus.

Good work.