#1
EDIT: I finished this and made it into a song. Edtiting to the original piece is below the original. I want to give it an official name, but idk what, help?

Original;
Having a broken heart;
is beginning to feel like home.
Pondering where i've been
feels like the only thing i've known
Forks and spoons,
they have their hold;
but "you'll be fine" i'm always told
Cater to you, fuel your actions
Fold under the weight, feel the contractions
i'm done with it; but it's not done with me


New piece;
Verse:
Having a broken heart is;
Beginning to feel like home.
Pondering where i've been
feels like it's all i've known

Pre-chor:
Forks and spoons, they have their hold;
but "you'll be fine" i'm always told
Cater to you, and fuel your actions
Fold under the weight, and feel the contractions

Chorus:
Cater to you,
and fuel your actions
Fold under the weight,
and feel the contractions
i'm done with it;
but it's not done with me
why can't i
just be set free

Verse:
Fixing things i a broken room
whispering to the moon
remembering thoughts of you
whisping smoke you can't consume

Prechor:
i start to bend underneath it all
i start to break just let me fall
Cater to you, and fuel your actions
Fold under the weight, and feel the contractions

Bridge:
My mouth is caught on your hook
i'm transfixed by the lines
it was courage that took to take the bait
but ignorance that left a bad taste

Chorus:
Cater to you,
and fuel your actions
Fold under the weight,
and feel the contractions
i'm done with it;
but it's not done with me
why can't i
just be set free
Last edited by guitartaber93 at Apr 7, 2011,
#3
Im a bit torn about this piece. I love the rythm, and the flow of the piece, especially:

"Cater to you, fuel your actions//Fold under weight, feel the contractions"

The wording here is also brilliant, and i can definately relate to the theme here.

What i didnt like, though, was the use of cliches, sort of. It works good with this piece. But these lines:

"Having a broken heart(this is a very good way of setting the mood, and a great opener);//is beginning to feel like home." - this last part is well written, but i feel that you could have portrayed this emotion in a better way. I'm not completely sure how, but considering your level of writing in the rest of this piece i trust that you could make some of these better.


Overall very good work. I enjoyed this a lot!
#4
Braynz; thanks.

Brunslid; thanks for the in depth crit.
i'm glad you liked it because it has a lot of meaning to me. and as for the first couple lines i know they are pretty cliche, but it's all i could really seem to think of that fit the tone as you said.
I'm trying to write more for a full song and put music to it when i can...
#5
Nice piece. I just wonder about this part, I don't really get what you mean by this 'Forks and spoons, they have their hold'. Care to explain?

Also I would crit but I can't offer advice to anyone really
It didn't take long to realise
The safest place was not her arms, but her eyes
Where she can't see you
For her gaze, it blisters;
Grey skin to cinders
#6
It's sort of an inside joke between me and this girl i used to date.
And how i think about us and that it wont let me go.
#7
First off, i went to your music page and very much enjoyed what i heard there! Props! Good stuff. Now onto the piece:

Forks and spoons,
they have their hold;
but "you'll be fine" i'm always told


Love that line. Was a bit confused about the preceding lines, but i saw that explained as an inside joke earlier so i will assume it makes sense as the rest of the piece is very effective.

Pondering where i've been
feels like it's the only thing i've known


I'd take out the "it's" here. To me that makes it flow better.

Other than that all i can really say is it feels unfinished to me, i would like more of it. the rhythm is nice it mostly flows well but seems like a lone verse with definite room for lots of expansion. Can't wait to read more and hear it set to music.