#1
Surrounded, paper strewn across the room
Unfished scrawlings in blood; names cut into flesh
I never really tried
Just sat in my own corrosion
When you lose obsession; you lose your mind
Fitting, in the end

Echoing, becoming quiet, small
The final sting as breath is forced out
Noise fades
Scarred flesh remains
No air to fill these lungs
No sound to be made

Life goes on for everyone; yet hollow I remain.


OTS C4C
It didn't take long to realise
The safest place was not her arms, but her eyes
Where she can't see you
For her gaze, it blisters;
Grey skin to cinders
#2
This whole thing, down to every line, just seems so... done before. There are lots of cliche lines that we've all seen many times before. Reconsider your images and word choice. Don't try to think of something that sounds fitting to a specific image, try and think of something that portrays YOU.

I might be completely off target, but the words come off as a bit hollow to me. I just imagine Ben Stein reading this in a poetry class and the students all becoming rather bored with it.

Sorry man, keep writing, though. I'd like to see this revised a bit.
OBEY THE MIGHTY SHITKICKER
#3
Eh don't worry, I was actually being pretty blunt with this. I was sitting on the floor with things written in blood and cuts on my leg not that long ago. I wont go into why but thanks for the encouragement.
It didn't take long to realise
The safest place was not her arms, but her eyes
Where she can't see you
For her gaze, it blisters;
Grey skin to cinders
#4
Understandable. The point remains, make it sound the way that sounds most like you. Also, I see you have PSN. If you have little big planet you should add me: Carentan68W
OBEY THE MIGHTY SHITKICKER
#5
I'll bear that in mind next time I write. I'll add you when I get round to it.
It didn't take long to realise
The safest place was not her arms, but her eyes
Where she can't see you
For her gaze, it blisters;
Grey skin to cinders