#1
dawn broke into our sunburnt photographs
swept in dizzy reds, dancing in the dew
a waltz of sunlight reflection, broken into two
and as we began to develop
this cell holding us together would divide
into two separate sections of what was once whole
that microfilm slide with you and I on either side-
yellow birds made off with our voices
carrying them to parts unknown
blowing flags made off with our colours
holding them at half mast
the wind made off with our cut ribbons
leaving it all undone as we passed
once in line with each other
now merely walking our separate ways, feet warm
in summer grass.
#2
Damn this is a great poem. I can't really crit on anything, but "yellow birds" until the end was perfect. Great flow, great imagery. I'm honestly impressed.

you should be proud of yourself haha
#4
I think that this needs to be punctuated because, as I read this, seperate ideas melded together in a not too convincing way. I didn't like how the 'this cell' line just appeared out of nowhere. I personally felt that the connection between 'this cell' line and the line about the yellow birds should be made a lot stronger. The flow and rhythm, like Mutmoo mentioned, were definitely great. The second half of this piece, as a whole, was definitely great as well. But the first half of this piece 'waffled' a bit, which is a shame.

Edit the first half of this piece and you will have something really great.
#5
I'm considering almost taking the first half out- they almost seem as two separate poems, looking back on this piece. however that has to do with the dynamic/voice of the poem, so I'm not sure.

I'll see what I can do about the first part. I'm just not sure what to slide inbetween to make the cell transition better.

thank you everyone regardless
#6
I meant to come back and crit this but I see it's significantly shorter lol, so I re-read it. I'm not sure how I feel about using "into two" twice so close together. It didn't really bother me, but I feel like it should have. Either way, I think "in two" would sound better instead. Great work as always. You have a unique skill for perfectly describing the setting, and the rhymes made this even better.
#7
Beautiful imagery and pace to this. I honestly wouldn't change a thing, well-done.

Last.fm


"Art is always and everywhere the secret confession, and at the same time the immortal movement of its time."


#8
I agree with you that this felt like two separate poems. The second half was outstanding and there were some great lines in the first. The "as we began to develop" part was perfect but, like BleedAway, I was left with little bit of a sour taste in my mouth with the "cell" line.

this had some great aesthetics as well. you captured a lot here
here, My Dear, here it is