#1
life gets in the way.
find beauty in you.
in a pair of beat up shoes
still untied in the corner of your room.
in a constellation i couldn't name
in a calender of days that somehow came.
and leaves unwind - or else spring blooms
whatever beauty i find becomes something new
but sometimes i still want to sneak to the creek
in the humid aches of early mornings
maybe sit awhile - talk with you
hear everything you ever wanted to say
but life gets in the way.
#2
Awesome

The rhymes were awesome and completely natural, the flow was perfect. I did, however think that the line "and leaves unwind - or else spring blooms" was unnecessary. It wasn't bad, I just don't think it was needed.

And I totally GOT this also, if you know what I mean.

Also, I'd like to challenge you if you'd check out the 1v1 thread
#3
Very nice job with this one. It just rolled off the tongue well.
OBEY THE MIGHTY SHITKICKER
#4
perfection incarnate.
the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones that never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn


#5
favorite in such a long time.
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#6
I don't like the jump from the first line to the second- I felt the lines weren't supported enough. it was two separate ideas that don't sit together well, I feel. the internal rhymes also plodded a bit, as I found myself reading ahead a bit to see where you had rhymed. that might be a personal thing. the idea is very fluid, though, and I found it read out loud better than in my head. "find beauty in you" was awkward as well, every time I re-read it I felt it should have been "find the beauty in you"- the 'the' propels the statement forward instead of letting it sputter a bit. very nice circular aspect, as which is common in your writing, and the rhymes that did work did well. good overall, just certain parts that rubbed me the wrong way and took away from the flow.
#8
Sorry, Nick, I forgot to sticky this. Let me talk about this tomorrow, please, I'm really tired tonight. I haven't given my best in ages.
#9
ha, not a problem Dan. even my delicate ego can handle a couple days of not being at the top of the board.

Quote by Sticky Tissues
I don't like the jump from the first line to the second- I felt the lines weren't supported enough. it was two separate ideas that don't sit together well, I feel. the internal rhymes also plodded a bit, as I found myself reading ahead a bit to see where you had rhymed. that might be a personal thing. the idea is very fluid, though, and I found it read out loud better than in my head. "find beauty in you" was awkward as well, every time I re-read it I felt it should have been "find the beauty in you"- the 'the' propels the statement forward instead of letting it sputter a bit. very nice circular aspect, as which is common in your writing, and the rhymes that did work did well. good overall, just certain parts that rubbed me the wrong way and took away from the flow.


for all my great (and not great) ideas, i want for tightness like nothing else. i'm still working at it. thanks.

to everyone else - thanks for the kind words and the WotW, i'm still flattered as hell every time i win this.
#10
find beauty in you.
in a pair of beat up shoes
still untied in the corner of your room.
in a constellation i couldn't name
in a calender of days that somehow came.
and leaves unwind - or else spring blooms


Best part. I really enjoyed reading this, the imagery and feeling you meant to create were perfect in it...not to mention, great flow.
#11
you know they filmed night of the living dead right behind my house? the opening cut of the car coming around a curve is half a mile from me. i went past the graveyard every day for elementary school.
now of course that doesnt really matter here except that I had never been into that graveyard and then one day I decided I wanted to go walk around maybe try to write something there and I put it off and off until one day I said screw it and left a party to go drive up there and I found the most unexpected view of the houses below and a scattered street light or two glowing in the snow and fog and had about as good a night as you can have alone. maybe it's the feeling of not being alone even in isolation. life getting in the way of speaking across the life-death barrier was great.
good stuff.
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me