#1
Any and all help/crit would be much appreciated. An elipses means that I'm still trying to figure our a good line there.

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What have we become but f**king savages?
All this war and hate demolishes the landscape
We're using pesticides to euthanize, but at what cost are we living?
We're dropping bombs like a dying fad and we've had no remorse for any corpse we create
Their homes turn to glass made out of the shattered lives we leave in our wake...

Fair-weather prophets tell me to panic,
so what's the disaster of the day?
Killing ourselves is nothing new
Do we even know what we've bought into?
We sold our souls, our moral codes, our very rights for information overload
but what's the point?
With closed eyes and force-fed lies, this is a dog eat dog world where the blind lead blind

...

Try to oppose what you don't see fit
but everyone knows opinions don't mean sh*t

...
...

You think you're martyrs?
Bring me your fallen and I'll show you what you've been dying to live for...
A dead man is still a dead man, no matter the cause

This is a modern-day Hell
Last edited by 3rdActguitarist at Mar 29, 2011,
#2
I like how your very direct in the way you talk about war, which is good in this case. "where the blind lead blind" is a great line in my opinion, so keep that. However the structure of this seems all over the place, and not just because it isn't finished. Rhymes pop up every now and again, but is the swearing really necessary? Even the most hardcore death metal tunes don't involve swearing...

I presume this is for a heavy metal song?

Anyway, I don't think you need to change much. "This is a modern-day Hell" is great!

I would repeat a line similar to "Try to oppose what you don't see fit but everyone knows opinions don't mean sh*t", you never know, it might add that all important hook you need.

Overall, I'm loving some of the phrases your using. Good job!
#3
Quote by Alkaline 64
I like how your very direct in the way you talk about war, which is good in this case. "where the blind lead blind" is a great line in my opinion, so keep that. However the structure of this seems all over the place, and not just because it isn't finished. Rhymes pop up every now and again, but is the swearing really necessary? Even the most hardcore death metal tunes don't involve swearing...

I presume this is for a heavy metal song?

Anyway, I don't think you need to change much. "This is a modern-day Hell" is great!

I would repeat a line similar to "Try to oppose what you don't see fit but everyone knows opinions don't mean sh*t", you never know, it might add that all important hook you need.

Overall, I'm loving some of the phrases your using. Good job!


lol well the language I felt helped to make the statement a little bit bolder, but I can see how that might come across a little differently. It's actually more of a melodic hardcore song in my mind, but whatever you want to envision it as is what I think matters.