#1
This is a song (albeit one I haven't been game to sing to anyone yet). Some of the lines I'm not happy with myself, but I hit a brick wall when I try to change them. Suggestions, criticisms, 'burn it quickly's welcome.


I have lain at your feet, no more pride in my heart
Than there’s water to be found in the dry inland sea
Oh, I did do you a wrong, but now you’ve tortured me long
Well I’m sorry, I’m sorry
If you can’t say, ‘Forgive me.’

I have tried, I have tried, to prove myself true
For one soiled page doesn’t ruin a book wholly through
But your cold glass face, the only one you can make,
Just reflects my regret;
Gives me no hope of grace.

So I stumbled down the wrong path, but I stumbled back again
Came back to your door, offered up all my sin
But now I’m going, I’m going, I’m not returning once more
For your heart without mercy
Is worse than all my flaws.

I have lain at your feet, no more pride in my heart
Than there’s water to be found in the dry inland sea
Oh, I did do you a wrong, but now you’ve tortured me long
Well I’m sorry, I’m sorry
That you can’t say, ‘Forgive me.’
He likes Keats but she's into Yeats - it's a matter of Romance

E-Mistress to UG's Finest Gentleman


Come away, oh human child,
To the waters and the wild
With a fairy hand in hand;
For the world's more full of weeping than you can understand.
#2
Burn it quickly! Sorry, which lines aren't you happy with?

It's probably not as bad as you might think it is, some slight problems I have though are "Oh, I did you wrong, but now you've tortured me long" - was the the "but now" necessary? absolutely ruined the flow of that stanza in my opinion.

Also, what does "If you can’t say, ‘Forgive me.’" mean? Seems weird to add this after "I did do you a wrong". I like "For one soiled page doesn’t ruin a book wholly through" though I'd find a different adjective than "wholly" - just a suggestion.

I'm not really a fan of the whole concept for this song, but it wasn't bad.

If your struggling to find lines that suit, just leave it for the moment and come back to it later.
#3
Thanks. "I'm sorry... that you can't say, 'Forgive me'" (and the whole song, really) sort of refers to when you've done something wrong, and repented, but the other party refuses to forgive you; things can get kind of petty and cruel, and the other person sometimes can't see that they're the one that's doing wrong, by the end of it. I'm sorry. That's not very well put. I find it hard to describe.
He likes Keats but she's into Yeats - it's a matter of Romance

E-Mistress to UG's Finest Gentleman


Come away, oh human child,
To the waters and the wild
With a fairy hand in hand;
For the world's more full of weeping than you can understand.
#4
Quote by miss_muso~
Thanks. "I'm sorry... that you can't say, 'Forgive me'" (and the whole song, really) sort of refers to when you've done something wrong, and repented, but the other party refuses to forgive you; things can get kind of petty and cruel, and the other person sometimes can't see that they're the one that's doing wrong, by the end of it. I'm sorry. That's not very well put. I find it hard to describe.


Yeah, I think I get it know... Cheers buddy.