#1
alcohol is nice because we all are fun and merry when we drink it and it such a normal, everyday thing to enjoy but in reality what we're saying is 'this situation would have been less tolerable with a clear head and i'm too much of a pussy to do things without the communal lack of inhibition'. and that's all good and jolly really. i cant give a flying fuck. remember those days? when things mattered? remember when your best friend got mad about you screwing her ex boyfriend? oh wait, that's happening right now... lol. well that will change soon, she's well on her path to apathy at this point. soon we will all just revel in our shit and be happy to have coffee in the morning and a warm pair of socks, because that's the only kind of secure happiness, or secure thing to look forward to really. oh awesome, you're raising your drink to that. i feel really cool now. thanks for the support. i'm glad you are guzzling your drink in the pleasantries i am providing via my nonchalant fuck you attitude... that was genuinely my intent in the whole issue. oh that made you giggle too? well la-de-****ing-do. hope you like this short dress too. do you like legs? yeah i bet you do. honestly i'm wearing it because it is easier to fuck and leave in. wait, so this isn't funny anymore? did i make you uncomfortable? did this suddenly shift from fun to slightly disgusting?

well let me tell you sweetie, it's all disgusting, it's all grimy and covered in its own pus, and we've learned to like it. so excuse me for being so pissy but i'd like to go smell some flowers. they're beautiful. the cherry blossoms are blooming and they don't need to put themselves in places with corners at perfect right angles doused in some uniformly colored liquid to prove a damn thing. in fact they're quite content living the quiet life. the silence is consuming. i want to be sucked in.

oh and arthur, next time you decide to black out and force sex upon a girl because she's too scared to bite your dick off when you shove it in her mouth, you should probably never talk to her again, and if you're feeling really sweet... throw in a pack of cigarettes while you're at it.
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

Last edited by vintage x metal at Mar 29, 2011,
#2
wasn't a fan of this to be honest- the idea envelops the piece itself well enough, its own disgusting, uncomfortable nature turned on its own words- but it didn't rub me right right way. maybe it wasn't supposed to. it just sort of rambled a bit too much for my liking. definitely striking, just not for me I suppose.
#3
Reading through it for a second time its a good piece, and well worded. I would enjoy reading it, I usually do with pieces like this. Unfortunately, my inner grammar nazi is screaming at me.
It didn't take long to realise
The safest place was not her arms, but her eyes
Where she can't see you
For her gaze, it blisters;
Grey skin to cinders
#4
i know exactly where you're coming from and you know that as well. i can appreciate this sentiment and can relate to it wholeheartedly. that last stanza has a real bite and is incredibly visceral. the voice of it is tangible.

as a piece of poetry though, i'm not feeling it. i can't imagine you wrote this with any intent to employ form or technique or metaphor and that is perfectly fine. i can understand why you wrote this the way you did. i personally would like to see you use this energy and force and channel it into a constructed poem. then i think i'd really fall on my ass. here you just gave me a little push.
here, My Dear, here it is
#6
I've missed reading your stuff, vintage_x.

I liked this and it made my skin crawl at once. In agreement with Snugglebunne, though, my inner grammar nazi wants to scream. That's my main problem with it.

At the start, it comes across as a bit of an illiterate rant, but then there are odd lines towards the end of the first stanza/block (not sure what to call it?) and scattered through the last two that are either beautiful or make you stop; I didn't mind it but perhaps it takes a little too long in introduction before getting to these, which could make the reader lose interest. But I liked the last two stanzas a lot.
He likes Keats but she's into Yeats - it's a matter of Romance

E-Mistress to UG's Finest Gentleman


Come away, oh human child,
To the waters and the wild
With a fairy hand in hand;
For the world's more full of weeping than you can understand.
#7
Throw in some line breaks and it would look like soemthing I wrote. Seems a very accurate portrayal of how some women deal with their problems. This is much more visceral. Don't be bothered by those that didn't dig the styke, you didn't write this for their approval, you wrote it to get it off your chest, which is exactly the reason we should write in my views.

My only criticism is that the forcefulness comes off as shock value once and again. Don't taint sincerity with vulgarity, even if vulgarity is the sincerity.

Oh, I can beat arthur up if you want me to?

EDIT: I shall refrain from S&Ling on my phone in the future for grammar's sake I suppose.
OBEY THE MIGHTY SHITKICKER
Last edited by JustRooster at Apr 1, 2011,
#8
I do think some parts get rambly.


I'm not a huge fan of this by itself but it's meant to serve as an integral part of my series. we'll see where this goes. thanks guys. I don't remember how to write. I don't remember how to live really. let's see where anything goes.
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#9
who ever said anything about knowing how to write? or live? ****, that sounds like a good sentiment to put behind anything you do.

this is very good. it is rambly because it is meant to be rambly. this is a rambling topic, one that whirls itself round and round until you don't know if it ever happened, why it happened, what happened -- all you know is that you're set alight, on fire with anger.

excellent work. the ending is direct. consider playing more with form; make it feel more incoherent. experiment without concern for reason; this is meant to be raw. especially at the end. it is good to start in form, and break down.

hope this helps
latest is called 'there will be no raincheck'
am interested in making a small return to the website
looking for writers
teg
#10
oh and arthur, next time you decide to black out and force sex upon a girl because she's too scared to bite your dick off when you shove it in her mouth, you should probably never talk to her again, and if you're feeling really sweet... throw in a pack of cigarettes while you're at it.

manhate much?
#11
Quote by parkt921k
manhate much?

I personally am not too entirely hurt or offended by this, mainly because this is the internet and people are not always as perceptive and are a little quicker to say what they want to, but for future reference it's best not to make a comment like this on someone's poem. First off, it is irrelevant to the poem itself and serves as nothing but a derogatory judgment of the author's character. Second, poetry is often very personal and raw and it's difficult for people to share their writing freely if they feel judged as an individual - judge the writing, judge the art, but people aren't generally asking for psychoanalysis.

This whole series of poems is an exploration of when I was raped and how it has affected other parts of my life as time goes on. I'm not a manhater but I do have strong feelings towards my assaulter specifically, as expected. I'm sure you can understand why throwing around little personal comments towards the author in this situation would be hurtful to them. It's inappropriate. Avoid it in the future.
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

Last edited by vintage x metal at May 16, 2011,