#1
You don’t get it,
I WANT you to be well.
Spilt yogurt at one side, vomit
at the other - you were there,
but hidden, as your own canker-worm
with an ageless yearning
to be reborn.

Look at me! How does it feel
to be a shell of your former self?
There’s no grave big enough
to bear your spirit,
but does it mean anything to you?

To be grossly humane
was all that you ever wanted to be.
I realise. You’re a scavenger
at heart (do you really believe this?)

Wake up! Put on your helmet;
you are your own exorcist and arsonist.
The word is your sword
sister.
Last edited by Bleed Away at Mar 29, 2011,
#2
I didn't like the period after "realise". It killed the flow and made that part a little less cohesive (unless you meant for that, in which case, nevermind). Apart from that, this is my favorite from you in the past month or so. There are little almost-rhymes that give it a certain catchiness, and the line breaks are spot on. Great job.
#3
There is something in this that rings out, as if it's torn between admiration, and resentment, and I'm not quite sure what to make of that. But the images are spot on it, and it has a great flow. And I might be crazy, but I thought that the first time I read this 'sister' was on the same line, following 'sword.' Maybe, if it was then I like the change.
Good stuff.
"Pain or damage don't end the world nor despair, nor fuckin' beatings. The world ends when you're dead, until then you have more punishment in store. Stand it like a man, and give some back."
#4
This is brilliant, but I've gotta agree with rd93 about the end. Your word choice here really makes the piece and it was a pleasure to read.

Last.fm


"Art is always and everywhere the secret confession, and at the same time the immortal movement of its time."


#5
Quote by Toadvine
There is something in this that rings out, as if it's torn between admiration, and resentment, and I'm not quite sure what to make of that. But the images are spot on it, and it has a great flow. And I might be crazy, but I thought that the first time I read this 'sister' was on the same line, following 'sword.' Maybe, if it was then I like the change.
Good stuff.


You must have read this piece the minute it was posted You are definitely correct, 'sister' was on the same line following 'sword'.

Thank for reading guys. I will return critiques soon.
Last edited by Bleed Away at Apr 25, 2011,
#6
I don't like the last stanza, you sort of pushed it too far - I wanted you to end it on the 'do you really believe this?' and have that on a seperate line.

This is probably one of the more direct pieces you've written and also the most engaging, the urgency here is great.