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#1
Earlier today while I was baking, the door rang. Outside was a woman, with her ca. 5-year old daughter, who said she was handing out pamphlets on ways to improve your health. "Well, that's nice", I thought, and took one to be nice and get back to mah cake-baking. She said she might come back and ask me what I thought about it, which struck me as somewhat odd, but I didn't think much of it.

Going back to the kitchen, I skim the first few pages, seems normal enough - but then there's all this talk about Jesus this, Jesus that, bible this, bible that, and all of a sudden The motherfrakking Watchtower falls out from the middle of the pamphlet. Now my kitchen is all tainted by Jevohah's Witnessyness.

I was rather pissed off at this deceitful way of handing out religious propaganda, and at myself for being so gullible, but then again we've never had any Jevohah's Witnesses or any other religious organisations going around in my neighbourhood.


So, my question to the Pit is, when/if they come back, what are some good ways to mess with them to get some payback for their foul rouse?
#2
shank her
Quote by Kumanji
How about you don't insult my friend's dead mum, you prick.


Quote by JDawg
Too be he had to be a dick about his crayons.
#3
Walk up to the door in a robe, with all the lights off and candles lit, and tell them their pamphlet reminded you that you haven't conversed with Lord Inglip in over 6 hours now.
#5
Blast death metal music and act like you were interrupted in your Satanic ritual while being strung out on heroin the next time she comes to the door.

Or find her house and shit in her mailbox.
#6
Pull out your penis and slap her, while telling her that you love her.

EDIT: Slap with the penis.
I'm selling an ernie ball wah pedal. Buy my ernie ball wah pedal.
...
Wah pedal.

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That's got to be my all time favourite online death threat

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My chest hurts after that.
#7
Quote by RubberPuppiessu
shank her


I considered grabbing my axe and running after her, but I decided it would have been uncivilized.
#8
Quote by Pan-Tallica
Quote by jrcsgtpeppers
But theres no reason why i cant be free like a raspberry stuck to the back of a horny elephants ass.

This is maybe the worst comparison in the history of comparisons.
#9
Simple. Next time she rings the bell, answer it. Naked.
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I had a dream about your avatar once, so yes of course.

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every time i see that twirling electrode avatar of yours I know that the post is worth reading or the link is worth clicking


#12
Thank her for her kind concern about your health, you will follow the advice in her leaflets closely.
Then give her one of those hash brownies you were clearly just making
#13
A lil rape here, and a lil rape there....
* If my punctuation seems off, it's because my shift button is broken *
#15
Quote by ryanL91
Send me cake, that'll show 'em




U can not haz.


Quote by SkepsisMetal
Thank her for her kind concern about your health, you will follow the advice in her leaflets closely.
Then give her one of those hash brownies you were clearly just making


Man, that would've been awesome, actually. If only I were.
#16
tell her you read the booklet, and totally agree.

watch her head explode
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id like to shave my balls, but i always cut myself and when i do my shaver is like om nom nom testicle skin.
#17
Join her...

By the way, everyone, I have some pamphlets about bettering your health. PM me if interested.

#19
Walk up to the door and answer with a hearty hello. Tell her that while you respect her religion, you have to respectfully decline because you are of another up bringing, be it Christian, Jewish, or Satanic Child Sacrificer. Ask her to step inside to discuss the Jehova's Witness following further but, now it gets tricky here, as she and her daughter step inside they will hit your trap door which you have been making for weeks.

Luckily when you built this trap door, you built a long tube that will direct them to a pit directly below your kitchen, with an observation window as your new floor in the kitchen. Hopefully you made the glass soundproof because next you are going to blare 'Cheeseburger in Paradise' by Jimmy Buffett. This song will be on repeat 24/7 at a loud enough volume to annoy but not to damage the eardrums.

You can choose 1 of 2 moves now. Choice 1: You sit and observe your new pets until they die of old age (you are feeding them regularly and they are allowed exercise just with Jimmy Buffett the whole time). Choice 2: Allow them to leave from your front door. What they don't know is you made a Harpoon turret on your roof. As they make a run for it, you may fire away.
#20
Tell her you're not interested and shut the door?
Most of the important things


in the world have been accomplished


by people who have kept on


trying when there seemed to be no hope at all
#21
Having good spiritual health is more important than having good physical health. Life on this Earth is short and death is inevitable, but once you pass on you may live forever in His kingdom if you choose to be in God's grace.
#22
when they knock on my door i open with a big knife hanging half out on my waist and no shirt.

the eyes look right there and they stumble on there words..usually they will persist if you say no(without the knife) but with the knife hanging out as soon as you show some sort of discomfort they leave right away... there life is more important that converting someone.
excuse my grammar
#23
Tell her you're a Shiite Muslim...that should have her daughter running

In all seriousness, just play their game. It's fun to mess with Jehova's witnesses.
Have a good one,
Phoenix
#24
Quote by Nelsean
Tell her you're not interested and shut the door?


What manner of payback is that?!

Quote by djentdjent
crazy trap door.


Now this man knows what he's talking about. Excellence!
#26
Quote by k90728
**** this double post but

shame on you religious kids in here


Kid's like you give a terrible name for those of us that aren't religious. Leave bigot.
#27
Quote by fearofthemark
Simple. Next time she rings the bell, answer it. Naked.


worse case scenario: she leaves and never comes back to knock on her door. neither do any of her other friends.

best case scenario: bow-chicka-wow-wow
Remember through sounds
Remember through smells
Remember through colors
Remember through towns
-Modest Mouse, "Novocaine Stain"
#28
Quote by Somekid94
Or find her house and shit in her mailbox.

Shitting in a mailbox is too uncomfortable and difficult to pull off. I'd say sneak in her house, shit on her carpet (or anywhere else you like, better yet, I'm sure she has pictures of Jesus, bible and some religious stuff ). Now, cut the turd in half and use a shovel or something to pick up one half which you slide in her mailbox.
Then ring her bell and ask:"Where was your god when I shat on you're carpet (or whatever you picked) and in your mailbox?"

Or, as someone else said, answer the door naked and say:"This is how the Lord made me and this is how I should live the rest of my life."
If shes hot, tear off her clothes, claiming that you just brought her closer to her god. If shes not, then keep her clothes on and say that she doesn't respect the god's decisions enough and is not worthy of god's love.
Last edited by -Mantra- at Mar 30, 2011,
#29
Quote by Somekid94
Blast death metal music and act like you were interrupted in your Satanic ritual while being strung out on heroin the next time she comes to the door.



This. but be sure to rent a goat for a couple hours. and make sure they see it while your holding a knife
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Don't think I've ever been sigged.


I pretty much never leave the drug thread anymore.
#30
If she's religious then she'll take a hard hit from honesty and guilt.

Tell her that her God would not want her using deceit to further her religion's place in the world. Ask her how she can expect you to be open-minded about a religion when her method of distribution is the omission of her true purpose for being there. Ask her how you could ever consider a religion when she, the spokesperson, is voiding her own beliefs.
Last edited by Seref at Mar 30, 2011,
#31
Quote by SlayingDragons
Walk up to the door in a robe, with all the lights off and candles lit, and tell them their pamphlet reminded you that you haven't conversed with Lord Inglip in over 6 hours now.


This.
We are the diamonds that choose to stay coal;
A generation born to witness
The end of the world

#32
Quote by djentdjent
Walk up to the door and answer with a hearty hello. Tell her that while you respect her religion, you have to respectfully decline because you are of another up bringing, be it Christian, Jewish, or Satanic Child Sacrificer. Ask her to step inside to discuss the Jehova's Witness following further but, now it gets tricky here, as she and her daughter step inside they will hit your trap door which you have been making for weeks.

Luckily when you built this trap door, you built a long tube that will direct them to a pit directly below your kitchen, with an observation window as your new floor in the kitchen. Hopefully you made the glass soundproof because next you are going to blare 'Cheeseburger in Paradise' by Jimmy Buffett. This song will be on repeat 24/7 at a loud enough volume to annoy but not to damage the eardrums.

You can choose 1 of 2 moves now. Choice 1: You sit and observe your new pets until they die of old age (you are feeding them regularly and they are allowed exercise just with Jimmy Buffett the whole time). Choice 2: Allow them to leave from your front door. What they don't know is you made a Harpoon turret on your roof. As they make a run for it, you may fire away.


#34
Quote by RU Experienced?
Having good spiritual health is more important than having good physical health. Life on this Earth is short and death is inevitable, but once you pass on you may live forever in His kingdom if you choose to be in God's grace.

LMAO , this guy is halarious!!
#35
Quote by NoLaurelTree000
worse case scenario: she leaves and never comes back to knock on her door. neither do any of her other friends.

best case scenario: bow-chicka-wow-wow


She was kind of a babe.

Telling her I'm a Shiite Muslim might actually be rather funny.


Quote by Seref
If she's religious then she'll take a hard hit from honesty and guilt.

Tell her that her God would not want her using deceit to further her religion's place in the world. Ask her how she can expect you to be open-minded about a religion when her method of distribution is the omission of her true purpose for being there. Ask her how you could ever consider a religion when she, the spokesperson, is voiding her own beliefs.


In all seriousness, I'm considering going for this. I was in earnest rather pissed off and offended when I discovered not only religious propaganda nestled throughout the later half of the pamphlet, but first and foremost the copy of The Watchtower. I accepted it in good faith that it was what she made it out to be.
#36
Quote by djentdjent
Walk up to the door and answer with a hearty hello. Tell her that while you respect her religion, you have to respectfully decline because you are of another up bringing, be it Christian, Jewish, or Satanic Child Sacrificer. Ask her to step inside to discuss the Jehova's Witness following further but, now it gets tricky here, as she and her daughter step inside they will hit your trap door which you have been making for weeks.

Luckily when you built this trap door, you built a long tube that will direct them to a pit directly below your kitchen, with an observation window as your new floor in the kitchen. Hopefully you made the glass soundproof because next you are going to blare 'Cheeseburger in Paradise' by Jimmy Buffett. This song will be on repeat 24/7 at a loud enough volume to annoy but not to damage the eardrums.

You can choose 1 of 2 moves now. Choice 1: You sit and observe your new pets until they die of old age (you are feeding them regularly and they are allowed exercise just with Jimmy Buffett the whole time). Choice 2: Allow them to leave from your front door. What they don't know is you made a Harpoon turret on your roof. As they make a run for it, you may fire away.

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Ha ha love you to dude ;-)

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#37
Quote by descara
In all seriousness, I'm considering going for this. I was in earnest rather pissed off and offended when I discovered not only religious propaganda nestled throughout the later half of the pamphlet, but first and foremost the copy of The Watchtower. I accepted it in good faith that it was what she made it out to be.


She will inevitably spew out some line about it being spiritual health and not physical health or blah blah. The key to dealing with this kind of thing is to not get upset no matter what strange shit they start to say. If you get angry that just reinforces their belief that you need Jehovah in your life or whatever.
#39
Quote by NoLaurelTree000
worse case scenario: she leaves and never comes back to knock on her door. neither do any of her other friends.

best case scenario: bow-chicka-wow-wow


or:

she gets offended and leaves. she tells all her friends about the crazy thing that happened, and the next day, all her hot, repressed, christian nympho friends knock on your door.


BOW-CHICKA-MOTHERF*CKING-WOW-WOW
Quote by guitarxo
I had a dream about your avatar once, so yes of course.

Quote by Bladez22


every time i see that twirling electrode avatar of yours I know that the post is worth reading or the link is worth clicking


#40
Use the religious book as a door stop. When she comes back point out that you are using the book as a door stop and thank her for the door stop that she gave you by offering her a slice of cake.
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