#1
Crit4crit!

Don't be wasting my time
I've never wasted yours
Killing you would be useless
The common class would lose its voice

Drive those fancy cars
Drive as far as you can
The ruling mass should learn to leave
Leave alone the working man

So soon
Sooner than you're found
You will rue the day
You serenaded our hometown

What is it you want?
Would you care to mention?
You've not listened to a word we've said
Shut the f*ck up and pay attention

This could be taken as a call to arms
Then again where have arms got anyone?
We live in the age of war of the words
We've all got means to destroy the capitals
Lets start again; no leaders
Let the equal grow
No regime
No systems
No manifestos!
Last edited by Bag'ed at Mar 31, 2011,
#2
Ha, though I posted this myself I will strive to clarify that when I say "Where did arms get anyone" I am referring to weapons so on and so forth, I'm well aware of how much use the human race gets out of their limbs!
#3
Quote by Bag'ed
Crit4crit!

Don't go wasting my time
I've never wasted yours
Killing you would prove to be useless
The common class would lose its voice

Drive, drive those fancy cars
Drive as far as you can
The ruling mass should learn
to Leave alone the working man

Soon
Sooner than you're found
You will rue the day
You serenaded our town

What is it you want?
Would you care to mention?
You've not listened to a word we've said
Shut the f*ck up and pay attention
A+
Love this

This could be taken as a call to arms
Then again where have arms gotten anyone?
We live in the age of war of the words
We've all got means to destroy the capitals
Lets start again; no leaders
Let equal grow
No regime
No systems
No manifestos!

How I would've done it.
I really like the message here though
Very good.

Fender Telecaster w/ GFS Lil' Killer
Jet City Pico Valve

Quote by Chaos-Serenade

The fretboard is dry because it is more than likely made in China.

I wonder how he came to this conclusion.
Lyrics
Inside the back
Walk with me
Reign, Rain

Call me Drew
#4
I liked the emotions involved in this. It certainly is very emotional. I am just not a big fan of the flow. It seems too structured to me. It seems like your mind was set on a certain feel to this poem and it just pushed for lines to fit it. I don't know if this critique makes any sense because its not like you restricted syllables or anything like that. It just seems very...tight you know? I feel like (as many of my own poems are) it is very amateurish. But the emotions are well captured. It is decent.
#5
No, I see where you're coming from man, thank you for actually taking time out!
But did you read with the understanding that this is a song rather than a poem? I can't write poetry at all, I don't think I've ever tried either but I just don't understand the fundamentals to it.

But yeah, I get you. A couple of lines ARE forced, just sort of spur of the moment to complete the piece, and its a shame they weaken the song itself but I suppose I've got something to work towards now.

Thank you again sir!