#1
This is something I wrote for a very special person in my life, I'm not sure how good it is, I've never really done any slam poetry style stuff before, so crit is requested :P
Anyway:

I still wonder why, I'm at the bottom looking up
it's so far but I've never wanted anything more
and even though I know that every time I reach out
there's something, fragile that will break
and make me fall
But it's the fall I need the most
something to shake me, wake me up
and show me that I'm still here, and you're still there above me.
The fall that knocks me back into reality
that reminds me you're still happy
and as long as you're still happy
I will always be content
to climb and fall, again and again.
______________________________________

Your thoughts?
P.S - These words are my soul, penned in the ink from my bleeding heart
Music is an art form that celebrates potential. So long as you're looking for it, you'll always find it.
Last edited by Mr.Pink101 at Apr 4, 2011,
#2
Seriously? Not a single comment?
Thats disappointing :/
Music is an art form that celebrates potential. So long as you're looking for it, you'll always find it.
#3
Quote by Mr.Pink101
Seriously? Not a single comment?
Thats disappointing :/

I would normally say don't bump, but having read that, I like it.

Okay: he strongest parts of the poem are the first line, and the last 3 or 4: the concept of looking up at something high and going up there for someone else has been brilliantly done imo. The double use of the word "happy" empasises this doing it for someone else, and I think that that works well, as well as setting it up for the rhyming at the end. Your use of spacing and punctuation is good on this as well; it doesnt feel "clunky" anywhere really.

Overall I'd say this is a really good poem

I don't really do literature any more, so others can probably analyze it better - I don't have the energy for an in depth at the moment.
Quote by EndTheRapture51
who pays five hundred fucking dollars for a burger
Last edited by Banjocal at Apr 3, 2011,
#4
This is not the Pit. Answers don't come in dozens over the period of 5 seconds.

I thought it was meh. Didn't spark my imagination. Sorry.
Quote by RoamingConflict
This one dream involved me, one random girl, midgets and a pie.


...and midgets ended up f*cking her. I got the pie.


#5
First off, I like that it's free form. I think a lot of the time in this forum if you don't stick to a rhyme scheme it tends to get a bad wrap. That having been said, it could use a bit of refinement. It was definitely clear enough in conveying the concept and the progression, which I liked. Some places it flows well, others it drops the ball. Sometimes this is totally fine, but I think that in this case it hurts the piece, especially since it's a poem and not a song. To kind of summarize all that, I would say work towards getting the word count lower, get the flow a bit more fluid, and just cut out as much of the "fat" in general as you can. I definitely like the piece.

C4C? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1427969
We're only strays.
#6
Quote by BloodMoon666
This is not the Pit. Answers don't come in dozens over the period of 5 seconds.

I thought it was meh. Didn't spark my imagination. Sorry.



Thanks for your criticism, very clearly you are from the pit, or you would've noticed the time difference of 2 days between OP and bump.

@Matrys Prayer ; Thankyou, I felt it a little bit too in the rereadings, I've got to get this perfect, as its part of a present I'll try and rework it a little bit over the next few days. And @Banjocal, Seriously, you have no Idea how great that made me feel I'd been worrying that it wasn't going to be recieved well, that was a relief and a huge boost of self confidence. Thankyou all for the comments
Now to C4C4Courtesy
Music is an art form that celebrates potential. So long as you're looking for it, you'll always find it.
#7
I definitely like this, it is a very unique idea and I think you gave it the perfect length. It didn't drag on or anything and I didn't feel like anything more should be said. I really like the idea of looking up and always climbing. This is a piece well done.

C4C - An Underestimation in my sig?
#8
You claim two separate things as what you, 'want most,' in this post. Also, you claim to both yearn for the brim and the fall?

The imagery is off, as well, as falling deeper in the hole would bring you farther away from seeing anything above, logically. I'm sorry, I'm sure there's meaning to individual bits and pieces, but it all seems smattered together from pieces of different poems with parts that sounded cool.
OBEY THE MIGHTY SHITKICKER
#9
You're 100% right, thankyou for pointing that out, It really should read "It's the fall I need the most"

The fall I'm talking about, it's sort of... Climbing up, falling back down to where I started and climbing back up again, the top, being a girl :P I climb and fall, and over and over its the same routine, but I never stop climbing, because as long as she's there, every time I fall it reminds me what I'm climbing for.
Music is an art form that celebrates potential. So long as you're looking for it, you'll always find it.
#10
I still wonder why, I'm at the bottom looking up
it's so far but I've never wanted anything more
and even though I know that every time I reach out
there's something, fragile that will break
and make me fall


I like this first part so far. Poetry isn't my forte so take what I say with a grain of salt. If you're concerned with formatting/punctuation, I think the comma in line 1 seems out of place to me and I feel like there should be some sort of punctuation after "up." But then again, this could just be one of those pieces that doesn't rely on punctuation, like E.E. Cummings' work. Anyway, I like the last two lines a lot because I think they culminate the sense of fragility and futility.

But it's the fall I need the most
something to shake me, wake me up
and show me that I'm still here, and you're still there above me.
The fall that knocks me back into reality
that reminds me you're still happy
and as long as you're still happy
I will always be content
to climb and fall, again and again.


I really like the ending to this. This section really helps outline your point and how you feel and I think it's the better half of the poem. Also, as far as punctuation and whatnot goes, I think this section is much more organized than the first. Which may have been intentional? Regardless, good job.

Also, in regards to the last person's critique, I don't feel like the poem contradicts itself. I read it as that when you're finally at the top and have your goal, you want nothing more than to be rid of it and to be woken up, but upon losing it, you want it once more, in an endless cycle. Not sure if that's what you're going for, though.
Last edited by r-bizzle182 at Apr 6, 2011,