#1
"Absence makes the heart grow fonder relative to the observer's velocity..."

Sometimes I wonder that
if I were to push off of this space shuttle
in the opposite direction of orbit that
by the time it'd work it's way back
around I'd miss it only out
of such a long absence.

I suppose that in a lot of ways
finally seeing you again after such a
long time would bring me closure.

In either case, it's only
to see if you were ever really home
for me in the first place.
OBEY THE MIGHTY SHITKICKER
#3
The simplicity and directness of this piece really gives it power so I'd cut out the second stanza... It's not bad by any means, but I feel like it's a little unnecessary and not as strong as the rest of the piece so you might be better off keeping it concise. Either way, this is fantastic.

Last.fm


"Art is always and everywhere the secret confession, and at the same time the immortal movement of its time."


#4
Woah. That was truly wonderful. The title, the subject matter, the structure, all of it was just phenomenal. I do kinda agree with UncleRemus about the second stanza, but that could just be more of a personal preference. As a fan of anything that has to do with space, I loved this piece.
#6
I'd agree to cut off the second stanza, and somehow fix the transition between the first two lines..."that if" is just kind of weird to start it off with. I might be back for a better crit later, but right now I'm tired as hell. Good on first read though
#7
Hahaha, I always get to this point. You crit my work, and I come and read your stuff going "Yeah well, his piece can't be that great", only to be completely proven wrong. The only thing I can pick at is your use of "off of", which in Americanised English is acceptable, but still, the 'of' is redundant. (Incorrect Grammar in Kings English)
If it's read how I did so in my head, then it won't affect the flow. Of coarse, I'll probably be wrong.
Music is an art form that celebrates potential. So long as you're looking for it, you'll always find it.
#8
This reads like a tounge twister.
Quote by laid-to-waste
look nigga, if you're chillin with 5 bros and 2 hos, you're gonna wanna pay attention to all of em equally. not moon over the hos forever and laugh at every shitty thing they say and just stare at them all night, like some of my mates do.